"The greatest of all historical shams is beliving you cannot do something you can"

Simply a great quote by the band Mischief brew I love oh so very much, profound spot on lyrics.

I am realizing through people telling me, that I have to leave alone my exes, and that I am harassing them. My friends are telling me this and now its clear to me that I am an idiot. There are 2 women in question here.

Exhibit A : Whitney, Anorexic, warped mentality, I was her first love, 2 yr 8 month relationship. She dumped me to experiment with a coworker who in turn dumped her for her anorexic tendencies, and her disease went from a healthy 130 lbs at 5 foot 10, down to a meager 100 or less lbs post break up. She is a genius. And she wishes she could be just my friend but i refuse to accept having that connection without intimacy, so here i am almost 2 years later still texting her and messaging her randomly expressing my nonexistent love for her.

Exhibit B : Brooke

Brooke came into my life after whitney dumped me, via myspace.  She is simply gorgeous and has everything in common with me. She came to me. I did not come to her. She went a year of leaving me love messages and telling me all kinds of stuff that made me feel like a king or a rockstar.  After a year of exchanging art, Letters, postcards and gifts through the governments mail system, Brooke bought a ticket to portland….to meet me. she was in my bed before she even bought that ticket telling me how she could not wait to pounce me and such. we met. made love the first night i saw her in person. the sad thing was that she only planned on staying in portland for a week. turns out she was having so much fun with me that her best friend in seattle and I paid some extra cash so Brooke could stay a whole month.  we must have had sex 80 times or more that month, and had incredible experiences just being together, watching movies, cuddling, i had a girlfriend for a month.

When Brooke left to return to brooklyn (the place she claimed to hate, and wanted to move to seattle to be closer to me, start a new life and escape the poisonous atmosphere there) I heard from her a few times early on after

her leaving then suddenly she cutme off without warning or reason. no returning my calls or texts or messages or anything.  it was and still is awful.

, i was texting her all the time with no reply, i wouldnt accept the hint.  Then months later a random text that shes dating her best friend and she is very happy and he is there with her, unlike me, specifically she said this.

Brooke wrote me a nasty message with the ultimatim that i either be her friend or leave her the fizduck alone.  she called me an immature selfish 5 year old. All i wanted was to know what was going on in her life and vice versa, just like before we met. She is flabbergated at the idea that when she comes out to visit seattle soon, that I cant see her just as friends. It will make me feel horrible and i need to protect myself. But what If Im burning a bridge here?? I dont know what to do, and its been 6 moths since I have heard brookes voice. she pokes me on facebook but wont talk to me. what does she want from me?!!! everyday she drives me completely bonkers.

I am putting myself in a situation with new women for the 4th o july celebration.  i am in live with my married friend emily. Im not even going to get into speaking about her now, but she has a lot of lady friends and it will be nice to be around new people and have new conversations, making new first impressions.

I took all of my meds today and feel sort of like a flat line but by tonight when they wear off some, I hope my manic side shows itself because I really can get a crowd going when I am manic, even be the life of the party…I cant drink though, too many meds and i black out,

Happy fourth to all you enslaved americans