3 a.m. and awake again. This is the one of the few side effects of the Ritalin I DON'T like. It's worth it though ~ just bothersome is all.

Train is rolling by, sounding its horns. It amazes me how used to it you become, so much so that you don't even really notice it except in the very back of your mind. Right now though it's the only sound besides my typing on the keyboard and the crunch of the cereal in my mouth as I chew. LOL; that was probably too much info, but oh well. Nothing gross, so I think I'm good. 😉

Many times when I wake in the early morning/late night I'm hungry as all get out. I know you're supposedly not supposed to eat after a certain time of day, but I wonder if that's really true or not. My thought is that my body would let me sleep a little longer into the morning because I wouldn't want breakfast as early as normal.

I can't believe my poor Mom has to get up in an hour! She's worked these hours for 10 years now as a waitress. Sheesh. I wish I was well enough to have a steady income so that she didn't need to work. It makes me feel pretty useless and worthless that I can't, but I've come to the conclusion that it's sort of like asking a deaf person to hear a certain pitch; you cannot do what you are unable to do. And I'm still at a point (and I don't know what the future holds) where holding a normal full-time job is an impossibility. Every instance where I've done that in the last 8 years has ended badly; twice I quit, once I was forced to resign. Even in part-time positions it has been the same way. All of those I've walked away from because I didn't want the poor recommendations or to have to explain what was going on with me.

I enjoy subbing at the school Zachary goes to, but I have no employment during the summer, and my opportunity for hours is very unpredictable. I'm thinking of trying to find seasonal work for the summer so Zachary can go to summer camp (he wants to this year!) and get me out of the house and allow me to bring some income in weekly, even if it's only a little bit. I just don't know where to look. I'm not going back to the grocery store ~ I strongly dislike even walking in there now because it's gone to h*ll in a handbasket as they say. The customer service is awful, the quality has gone way downhill since being bought out by BiLow, and the only reason I DO go there is for my meds and quick trips to get something. Their prices are way too high now too. Publix is less expensive most of the time.

I need something that's going to be low-key but not boring, something that will keep me moving around so I don't go stir crazy…maybe working for Subway or something like that? There's one right down the road too. And maybe I could keep 1-2 nights per week after the summer is over, guaranteeing that we'll still have income to expect from me. I guess it all depends on how I'm doing at that point. I know I shouldn't think so far ahead, that it's a good way to set myself up for failure/disaster…but it's so difficult not to. Right now I need to really focus on my college class, getting better through keeping my therapy and psychiatric appointments, and working as a substitute when I can.

Last night my husband and I sat on our bed and rolled all of our change because money is that tight this week. School is closed so even if I did get a paycheck today I couldn't pick it up until Monday, which is really frustrating. But I don't want direct deposit; we're doing a very strict financial plan where we only use cash except for what we use to pay the bills online. Everything else goes to a certain fund (ie gas, grocery, savings, etc…) and that is what we have for those 2 weeks to go on. Nothing ever comes out of savings unless it's an emergency that we both agree needs to be dealt with (like dental emergencies and such). And the whole thing with this is that we actually SEE how much money we're spending, and how fast it's going. Sliding a card is convenient but deadly in our case. We don't keep track together, so neither one of us knows what's in the account at any given point, plus you don't think about totaling all of the 'little' bills; $5 here and there.

I don't have a whole lot interesting to say. My life is pretty mundane. It's Spring Break for Zach and I, and mostly we've done running around in the nearest decent sized town for the last several days, hanging out with my Mom or taking my hubby lunch at work. In the morning I'm planning on taking Zach to see a movie, and then we have to go grocery shopping ~ yippeee. Guess I need to add cereal to the list since I just finished the last of it, lol.

I'm still pretty much isolating myself, but I'm trying very hard to open up. I'm trying to get back to a place where I'm a good friend, not an empty space. 🙁 I've got so many friends here, but I never talk with you guys anymore because I can't even handle just my problems; I'd be worthless at helping anyone else right now. So please know if I'm not leaving comments or sending messages or answering the phone, it's not your fault. I just feel incapable of more human contact than what is already required of me with family, college and work these days.

I should try to go back to sleep, but I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll go eat a piece of string cheese. Yum!

Wishing everybody a fabulous Friday full of beauty, joy, laughter and love.

1 Comment
  1. elf 7 years ago

    Sadviolinist,

    Thank you for writing. I needed to read this line: that it's sort of like asking a deaf person to hear a certain pitch; you cannot do what you are unable to do. 

    I admire you for wanting to find part-time work even as hard as it is for you.  I, too, substitute at times. But right now I am not in a place where I can do that. I have too much anxiety. Do you ever give violin lessons? (By the way, I love your name. A violin can portray so much emotion) Hope you have had the same Fabulous Friday you wished for everyone else!

    Elf

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