For my first post I shall touch on what its like to live with all 3 (Depression, Anxiety and OCD)
I wake up, too anxious to shower because the thought of waking up and getting out of my bed is stressful enough to handle. When I do finally get out of bed its to eat and I usually overeat because I’m an emotional eater. All day I lay in bed thinking about the previous day and the conversations I had saying in my head “that was stupid” “why would you say that” and I replay the conversation in my head and then I think about how this other person who was in the conversation will see me as a freak.
My phone rings and its my friend calling me. Im too anxious to even pick up the phone because the thought of answering a phone call that’s not from a family member freaks me out and makes me too anxious. Why would they call me? They know I can’t answer the phone. I get a text saying “lets hangout”. Its my boyfriend and he’s home for the weekend. I finally make it into the bathroom and I look in the mirror. I instantly see all my flaws and focus on them such as my belly and my thighs. I think and wonder how my boyfriend would ever want to date someone that looks like me.
When I’m walking out the door, I put on deodorant and body mist but in a specific order because if I do in a different order, I will freak out on myself and most likely cut myself saying I deserve it. I make sure that my arm is covered because I don’t want him to see my new cut that’s on my arm or else he will get upset. He doesn’t understand what I deal with and he doesn’t understand that cutting helps me.
When I get home from seeing my boyfriend I lay in bed depressed. For a short while I am distracted from my issues within when I am with him. When I get home, I realize that I am alone and probably going to make a stupid mistake like draw over a line in my adult colouring book. If I draw over the line I need to restart because if I don’t draw in the lines of a stupid colouring book I think to myself how I can’t do anything right. I must colour in the lines of the colouring book. I listen to music and I blink to the beat because I think that if I do that then maybe I won’t be so messed up on the inside.
I take a nap and when I wake up I am anxious but I can’t put my finger on why. I try to write a journal entry but that doesn’t help. I cut myself. I feel better. But it has to be in a straight line, if its criss crossed it would drive me crazy because it would look disorganized. Its nighttime now and I once again, replay all the conversations I had with my boyfriend and I replay them over and over in my head hoping he doesn’t think that I am a freak because Im paranoid that others think I am a freak and don’t like me.
My parents are calling and I pick up the phone. I tell them that I spoke to the doctor today and that the doctor says my Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Depression are physical and hereditary. The other end goes silent and all I heart is “I don’t know about that”. I think to myself “great, here we go again”. I think about how my parents walk on eggshells around me when they see me because even though they see my scars, they don’t even mention them even when I have caught them staring before.
I go to my therapy session at night, tell her about my day and she suggests that I should be tested for Aspergers. Aspergers? I guess it would understand all my anxiety, depression and OCD but why me? I tell my boyfriend, he tells me I don’t have it because of how rare it is. I remind him how rare it is to have all 3 mental illnesses and that Aspergers’ symptoms are similar to how I act and react to certain situations.
I just feel alone every day. Even on days that I work. At the end of the day I am always there by myself fighting the urge to self harm.
I joined this site to maybe help others that deal with what I deal with in any aspect. I am here for you if you need me to be whoever you are. I would just like to meet people where we can support each other through our hard times because at the end of the day, its hard to meet people who truly understand what its like to live with mental illness.