Some pretend to be friends. Some were your friends eventhough you think they pretended to be your friends. Some did not understand you and some realy tried to get to know you. Some misunderstood you and some you misunderstood.
This seems a never ending ritual that make no sence, i drive myself crazy by overthinking things. While some people might do things that might seem wrong in your eyes at first, you are doing the same in the eyes of others. And while your busy trying to understand and basically judging them because you think they do not understand you, they are thinking the same maybe.
I know we all have motives and past experiences that drives us to what we believe and stand for. And everything seems to be a big misunderstanding. I feel like I am a misunderstanding to myself. What drives me to putt up this walls, i know i dont want to get hurt but i also know there are cool people. I dont get why i cant make friends or just be normal. I dont get why i have to hurt myself to feel a little better. And i dont get why i wasted my life when inside a part of me wants to live and a whole one wants to die. How is that even possible.
Looking back at my teen ages, all the people that were around me. Why was i feeling so alone in the middle of all that people? I wanted to connect so much with them and although i know i did my best it feels like my best years are over and i didnt had the chance to enjoy them. When i look at the people back then who were trying to be my friends, pretended to be my friends or even misunderstood me, they were all valueble to me. To all meant something to me and i wanted to be cared so much. But i wasnt able to let go my guard or be a better friend , still cant. And that has brought me to what i am today. A lonely living past in the present. Depression has ruined my life and i helped it brought myself lower than i thought i will ever be. This lonely present reminds me so much of how my past has been except that i actually dont have the people that were surrounded me in the past anymore. I never though feeling lonely without nobody around you could be as painfull as feeling lonely with alot of people around you. But they are both almost the same, screaming and crying inside but nobody can hear you or see you because of the big distance and steel walls between you.
On this day i look back again, i think again. About the things i should have maybe done, about the things i can do now. 5 am and i still cant sleep, its been awhile since i wrote something here. How do i get outside the line between life and death. Im stuck and i cant understand myself.