well I’m unsure about more than I would like to be

I used to write poems and they used to be good and I used to be able to take a shower without feeling worried I’m not allowed to although nothing is stopping me I do not understand why I think something will happen if I don’t be quiet while walking or avoid eye contact I just don’t want people to think I’m something I’m not nor do I want to be pitted I just want to live my live and not have to worry ab something that will have a realistically small effect if I do or don’t do something but this also applies for large aspects of my life like profession to the people I talk to

I wish I could just sleep and never have to deal with any emotions or love or hate again and the more I look at the world the more I hate how I’ve been thrown into a place where no matter what I do I’m nothing and though I am more than that if I was to die right now in 100 years no trace of me would be left other than the bits of dust that have formed a new life form or nothing at all not like I care if I die now the world is as good as dead and its been well over due for us as a people to be wiped off this what was once perfect earth for we do nothing  but destroy everything and re-purpose what has been meant to be left alone though one day it will be done I cannot wait for the time when every living thing does not have micro plastics in it and man is nothing but part of the history that man had made (man being an all inclusive term for humanity)

though this isn’t all bad just yet because if you close that book and go outside and do as much as look at a tree you will feel the wonder of how why and when or you wont and will have you’re own life undictated by the walls in place or so you think because high school drama or family issues are always going to be first in you’re head along with that voice you use to think about that kind of thing but what can you do other than life and act like things matter

newsflash they don’t but they do to you and me and to see what i mean you must love hate and not care about things like any person can but will you encounter something as complex as unconditional love is no guarantee and if you truly want to be of some significance you really have to only think about the now and for me that is hard to do

I believe that emotions are unique to everyone and example of this is you might feel depressed if you’re mom dies while another might feel only sad in you’re exact situation and for me I do not understand how I am supposed to gravitate the magnitude of my feelings let alone explain them to another in a way that makes sense and this leads me to make a lot of bad choices because I think I feel one way and I actually don’t feel that way but another due to the complexity or my incompetence to make a bad choice which if I did understand what I was doing it would be morally incorrect for me but since I thought I felt one way I was using that emotion to dictate my response whether or not the other person would care or not ab how they are being treated because I was only thinking of my feelings and how they had affected them and example of this would be: if I were to talk to someone and they were to be rude without a reason in my eyes I would react to it in a way that might be something like sadness or anger but in reality I hadn’t thought about something I’ve done in the past to this person and this leads me to over think ab people like my mom even though I know she loves me I’m terrified of making a wrong move with something as simple as a shower or asking for a necessity like new shoes or asking a simple question like which loofa is mine before I shower

so now all that really happens is I feel a great deal of guilt I think a constant worry and other emotions I do not know how to put into words or phrases though all I really crave in this world is for it to end because the human concept is terrible on paper no matter where you look in history or modern day time there is never not going to be the worst possible in every uncontrolled environment on a all parts of the scale not including stuff like the little to no mass amount of good in the world besides what you see on the surface  and I know that nobody can be what they seem for better or worse but hows that any better that only leaves room for lies and very bad things to happen

and I’m not saying that these good things just don’t exist because everyone has something they love hate and do not care for whether it be chocolate or the warmth of another human and one they love at that what I’m trying to say is this world is too fucking complex for me too want to look at the good simply because the bad is arguably 90% more widespread

in conclusion I’m lost and tired of this bed of coals that is humanity and I have no hope for the world along with the fact that everyone is going through something and what else can you do besides become ones puppet is to grow a pair and commit large scale industrial sabotage like France has written in there constitution well only there government but its still a good example of how people know people are bad and you all know it even if you choose to be in a bubble that bubble is gonna pop or you just don’t get one at all even if you are a “good person” you’re still going to die so what do you chose to do??