I started taking Lexapro on Friday. I'm on 10mg, and praying every day that it helps. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. Sometimes I wish my husband had the filter that most people have, but he doesn't. Things that most people keep to themselves are part of conversation with him, and I latch onto them. Last night was so bad that he had to be away from me so he went upstairs. I told him he should call my parents to find out how they dealt with me when I had it when I was younger. He kind of went into the whole thing where I think he's a murderer, and when they put him on the phone with me they said "you HAVE To know this is OCD". Ha! If only it were that easy. I hate OCD's ability to pretend it's not OCD, and that you really feel the way it says you do. My parents pretty much tried to tell me that I have to stop bothering my husband. That incessant questioning does more harm than good… especially if he gives me the "wrong" answer. They said he's not planning on going out and killing anyone and until he is I should probably just leave him alone and know it's OCD.
They're right. I know this. But it's still hard. What if he does kill someone? What if he's capable of it? What does that mean? (My dad stepped in here too – "People are capable of all sorts of things given certain situations, but you never know until you're there so it's pointless to ask"). Ahh, the wisdom of parents. Plus, I don't know why I'm thinking of this stuff anyway. It's not even me. I can't hold myself responsible for what my husband does all the time. This over-arching sense of guilt and responsibility is really getting old. I really hope the medication starts working soon. Today all I've had is a headache and hours of rumination. I'm so ready to go home. Light at the end of the tunnel – please show yourself!!!