So, I am new to this site. This is my first blog. I just felt a need to blog out all my emotions. To somehow come to a realization that I am not alone, that there are other people who feel this way, although sometimes the issue of depression is so silent I can barely hear a whisper. It really sucks ass. I am ultimately a loner, because I choose to be. It's just easier that way, because then I don't have to explain to everyone why I feel the way I do. I get such different responses from everyone when they find out that I suffer from depression. Mostly because I seem like such a happy person. I seem too happy in fact. I fake happiness so everyone leaves me alone. Just so everyone knows, I have been diagnosed with depression for almost 6 years now and I have been on medication for it for about that long as well. Take into mind, that I am practically just an 18-year old college working girl. In fact, my 18th birthday isn't even yet. I am extremely intelligent though, not to sound like a concieted ass though. I started working when I was 13, (and yes, a real job- i just worked under the table for a few years) and I have been working ever since. I started college in a dual enrollment program at the age of 15, and became a computer store manager at the age of 16 and graduated high school with magna cum laude at age 17. I am now almost 18 now and I work at an upscale restaurant and go to school full time, majoring in psychology.

Yet, despite all these accomplishments I still suffer inside. I feel worthless. I am so self-conscious and I take almost everything seriously. I am negative minded and it takes a lot of coaxing from others before I can give myself permission to enjoy anything. It's genetic, I just hope I will be able to cope. I once read the book "An Unquiet Mind". I recommend it. It's an excellent read on Bipolar Disorder. Both my mother and her mother suffer(ed) from Bipolar disorder. I don't know if I do or not, I don't think I do but I don't know if I will develop it in the future either Right now I don't have it. Just depression and OCD. I prefer not to think about it too much anyway. I tend to overanalyze things.

Anywho, I tend to stick to myself and my best friend, my boyfriend and my immediate family. I just don't feel a need to interact with other people. I guess I like to, I just don't like explaining why I am different, why I am depressed, why I am anxious, why I am "weird". I would rather just have everyone think I am "weird" than know the truth anyway. I guess I just don't really like hanging out with a lot of ppl because I kinda stick to myself and a few people anyway, it's safer that way because I have learned that the less you interact, the less likely people will be able to hurt you. Let's just say that I have been hurt a lot by people before, hence why I developed issues as defense mechanisms.

The funny part is, I am not gonna lie. I am beautiful. I know it. I see it when people talk to me, the way people treat me. I guess I am the ugly duckling. I was kinda chubby when I was younger and now I am not, and I am growing up and blossoming so I guess it's all normal. I just don't understand why I  still feel such low self esteem. I guess it will take me a while to heal. But why does it take so long to heal? Well, I can only hear a whisper. I guess it's my own.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    It takes a long time, because it affects individuals somewhat uniquely to that person, so while depression hurts and reoccurs, not everyone reacts the same way.  When I was at the onset of my depression, I couldn't focus at all, much less go to school, hold down a job and graduate with honors.  I also was incapable of wearing a happy face. Sheer movement was a mega problem for me.

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