Let’s see….  wooooooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh… Feels like it’s already mid-afternoon, and it’s just a few minutes after 10am!  These earlier morning debates or arguments or discussions, even, are really taking a lot outta me.  But….if i can just keep trying to hold on and push forward, AND Marty keeps this job, things’ll turn around–i hope, anyway.  He’s not even received his first paycheck from there, yet, and this morning i was told what i could and not spend $$ on whenever he gets paid Friday.  SMH.  i didn’t even have the energy to feed the critters….  It felt like all my air was being drained from within.  As a matter of fact, it wound up taking me two hours to drink my first cup of coffee, this morning.   *sigh  Well, that had a lot to do with contemplation and aggravation, mind you, but even so, it throws my whole day outta whack.  Does THAT matter????  Of course it doesn’t–i’m not the one who’s “going out, busting his arse to bring in money to pay the bills”–no, but, i have been doing just that, on a daily basis, for over a year, now!!!!  Again, ppppppppffffffffffttt!  Doesn’t matter.

So, i wound up not going to the support group meeting, yesterday….and, of course, i kept reminding myself how i should’ve…..regardless.  But, it is what it is.  We wound up watching a couple movies, yesterday afternoon, basically just chilling for a few hours, before i started on dinner.  Then, once i was done with clean-up from dinner, we went for a short walk…. Today, i feel like i’m still trying to wake up–i’ve been up for more than four hours.  i’ve been sleeping with the heating pad, again, since my back has been really bothering me lately.  But, i’m also trying to stretch before i get out of bed in the mornings, as well.  The heat’s creeping back into play, with the humidity, again.  *sigh  oh well….i can’t do anything about that, now, can i?  All i can do is stay as cool/comfortable as i can, when i can, and take water with me, wherever i go–as usual.

i keep drawing a blank, inside my head, today.  Yeah, i’m still looking outside, from time to time, but i can’t seem to concentrate on much of anything, really.  —Now, Marty’s standing in front of me, talking about taking me out on a date.  *sigh  i guess we’ll have to see how things go, either way…..

Well, i’m trying to straighten up my mood a bit….  It keeps feeling like i’m still in the fog of waking up, though.





  1. jayce 3 years ago

    what makes you stay around if theyre upsetting you so much?

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    • Author
      delane1 3 years ago

      For me, i need to ‘voice’ my issues, thoughts, or whatever’s going on at the time, mainly to ease my own brain…. i feel: if i can get it out of me, maybe the weight will ease a bit, somehow. With that being said, i know Marty’s trying–it may not seem like it, in a lot of ways, but he is. i have l gained a bit of a different perspective, regarding addicts, in the past year+, and i know his “wiring” has a lot to do with how he is. It’s not “him” that upsets me, but the situations and details….. Yes, he is a part of said situations and details, but it’s also the fight within my own brain/wiring. (if that makes much sense) i know he cares about me and loves me. (Obviously, i love him, too–and i care a great deal about/for him, as well.) The last couple of mornings–even before we got out of bed–Marty’s told me about his appreciation for what i do for him, as well as apologizing for his lacking….. It’s just, at times, the appreciation or positivity tends to go out the window for me, whenever the negative kicks in or/and takes over….. i.e.: i am appreciated and loved, and you apologize for your shortcomings; and within a few minutes, you’re telling me how i am to spend the money and when am i going to make your food, as well as making not-so-subtle comments–“you don’t even care,” or “you’re not gonna help me stretch before work.”
      i know i just need to work on me–that’s all i can do. But, at the same time, a lil common courtesy, positivity, and the like, go a long way…………….

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  2. jayce 3 years ago

    i hear you for sure.

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