I feel like a normal life is just beyond my grasp. I remember what it was like to feel ok, and it feels like a million years ago. We will be going to my niece’s wedding tomorrow, and I don’t want to go. Let me clarify that- I want to go to my niece’s wedding, but I am terrified of having a panic attack in the middle of it. Lately any time I go anywhere in the daytime, especially in the afternoon, I have a psychotic episode. My doctor has prescribed me some Ativan for the panic, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get it before the wedding. I hope I can. I don’t know what to write about, I just know I want to keep writing. I don’t like how blank my mind has been lately, my memories feel like they are floating away from me.

My husband is describing to me how to make salsa. It sounds complicated. I don’t think I’ll make it. I know he wants me to, but it sounds messy and like a lot of work. I need things to be as simple as possible these days, because my symptoms are so severe. It’s taken over my life, and it’s not ok. I have lost the bright spark of life somehow, the world feels dead, I feel dead. All I want to do is lie on my bed and cry. Yet I can’t cry. I can’t do much of anything lately. I’m drinking a lavender honey tisane to try to calm myself down. It’s my second cup. If the world would just go back to being beautiful and safe again, I would be ok, but it’s not. I am really nervous about that wedding tomorrow, it’s at 2pm, which is prime time for my psychotic episodes. How I wish they would get married in the morning. It’s going to be a long time of waiting and anxiety building up. I should try not to think of it tonight, no point in worrying over what I can’t control.

I am still interested in being a Wiccan, though the only Christian Wiccans I’ve found are Trinitarian Wiccans, and judging by the content of their website, they are spiritually void and lackluster. I still don’t know how to syncretize Wicca and Christianity. Basically what happens is that I practice Wicca like usual, praying to Mother Gaia and Mother Selene, and then when I get really panicky, I pray to Jesus. But Mother Gaia and Mother Selene seem more real to me than Jesus does, I’m not sure why. I had no problem connecting with Jesus in the distant past, it’s more of a recent phenomenon. Right now we are in the waning crescent phase of the moon, a time for endings, closing, and banishing. I drink black tea every morning to dispel harmful energies and boost courage.

I will bring my red jasper along with me to the wedding, it’s a stone of protection and helps to balance the root chakra, which is the center for safety, security and groundedness. The lavender honey tisane is so good. It’s putting me to sleep, which is what I want it to do. I don’t know if my husband wants to go out for a drive tonight. I ate meat today, which I guess makes me a flexitarian. He brought home some Hawaiian BBQ, and I ate the chicken. I still won’t cook meals with meat, I still want to be as vegetarian as possible. I will not buy meat. There is still some chicken leftover but I really don’t want it. I will put it in my husband’s dinner tomorrow night. I will cook the tempeh for myself. He doesn’t like tempeh that much. I do. Part of me feels dirty and wrong for having eaten his chicken. I guess that makes me a true vegetarian! If I weren’t a true vegetarian, I wouldn’t care that I ate meat. The guilt is a good sign.

I don’t know what else to write about, I just know I want to keep writing. Writing is therapeutic for me. I’ve always been a good writer. I won the Marie Cirella award for excellence in the written English language in eighth grade. I was always in trouble with my English teacher, and had to write Responsibility essays on my lunch hours. I guess she really liked my detention essays! I was also asked to give a speech at our graduation. I guess that makes me a valedictorian. I didn’t get the Miss St. Francis honor, though. That went to Shari Hauptman, a ditzy blonde goody two shoes. She was kind but aloof to me because I wasn’t in the cool clique. Memories. Anyway, I don’t even know what the purpose of this post is, I just really enjoy writing. Thanks for reading.