This has been a very stressful week. I don’t remember how it started at the moment, but what happened was a lot of fights with mom’s boyfriend. I’m just so tired of fighting his sexist comments, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not giving up, I’m just letting it be.
I got so angry yesterday I kicked my closet and a screw came out. My closet is pretty near my door, so now the closet is opening on it’s own and scaring the crap out of me. I thought that was going to be the worst of it, but when we came home today from swimming my door wouldn’t open. I knew it was probably the closet blocking it, and I knew somehow I would get in trouble for this because mom was still mad at me for the fight her boyfriend started with me. Rachel and I tried to prie it open before she noticed, but she did and started yelling at me.
A lot of crying ensued. Rachel and I were trying to problem solve, and mom was just making me feel guilty about everything. “I can’t believe you did this, Chantel. You really fucked up this time.” Or, “I don’t know how you’re going to get in there. Can’t call the landlord, we’ll get in trouble. This is a man’s job, and you just totally fucked that up for yourself.” And she went on and on and on…I couldn’t run to my room obviously, so I curled in a ball in the living room and cried and heaved, the works. I’ve been doing a lot of that this week.
Rachel, hearing my mom being sexist, tries even harder to get the door open and she succeeds. I’m still pissed at mom and she’s still fuming, talking to her boyfriend who is calling me an ungrateful little bitch. A lot of things came out today, like some memories that I’ve suppressed when I was in the hospital as a child, dying. I actually considered the possibility of my father overdosing, which let’s face it, it’s inevitable at this point. I know I can move on with my life after he’s gone, but he’s my father and I still care. I wish a lot of things were different, but I’m working on letting it be and staying true to myself.