It's hard leaving the house in the gender/ body you are are in.
You feel like you have to plan everything like your acting, even your moods because i don't know how to express emotions as a girl because i'm not one and i'll never understand what it is to be one.
You need it to be obvious but making it obvious could attract negative attention.
It'salways a struggleknowing how to dress. If i dress as the body i was born in then the wrong people will be attracted to me and the right people to be friends with will avoid me as a friend andgirls will think i'm one of them when i'm not.
probably the hardest thing with both types: your voice. I've seen this akwardness and problem in men who are gay but in denyal. It's impossible to know what to do with your voice.
One of the other hardest thingsisthe attention brought to you when people realise theres something wrong with you and thay can't quite work it out but they try and guess. Then just the general attention brought to you anyway if you are the complete opposite of what you look like.
people ALWAYS read you wrong. They can't tell when your happy/ sad or fancy someone etc. Your like a book with a cover but all the pages will always be blank inside.
You feel extreeme 'need to please' anxiety before you even leave the house as the gender that people think you are. I just need to settle people all the time because i don't understand the way they're coming across, especially if they might be flirting, because i have to try imagine it from a different sexuality and i can't do that. If i try to feel like a woman, it's just complete blank pages but if i try to feel like a man, everything is already there and has been since i was born. The thing is, you need it to be obvious so people understand you and you need to remind yourself of it so you understand yourself.
I get feelings for loads of girls but for men, unless i can tell that their sexuality is feminine, it's always a complete blank, even if i try. When i thought about it this morning, even when i was in year 1, (ichecked and that's age 5-6)i felt like i fell in love with this girlcalled Rachael and ikept wandering round where she was sitting and waiting for her to sit there every breaktime to tryandget the confidence to talk to her. I thought she was the most beautiful girlthere andi was obsessed with her name for a bitbut i felt like an idiot when icouldn't make friends with her. Ihave always been shy around girls butnever boys.This boycalledChristopher keptharrasingme to kiss him when i was in year 1 or2 which iremember trying to take as a complement but feeling really angry and frustrated at.It was when i went to the drinking fountainand i kept telling him togo and get a drink or something and justleave me alone.
Even in nursery, within my first few days (i always cried every minuite at nursery. It was a traumatic time of nonstop panick attacks and only have a couple of photographic type memoriesassociated withproblems i was feeling at the time). when i was crying, (which was every second untill i got to leave) the teacher tried to get me to sit with a group of girls at dinner. they were sitting on a round table, some with packed lunches and they looked at me when the teacher brought me over and i was terrified of their eyes. the teacher was behind me/next to me urging me to "sit with the girls" etc.. and i just couldn't, i remember it just diddn't feel right, i was terrified of them and diddn't feel at all like i belonged but more like i was going to be eaten mentally or something and i had absolutely nothing. They were even telling me to sit with them but i couldnt and i stood and waited and watched them cautiously for a bit and knew from then that whatever social thing they hadon the table,i had nocapabillity whatsoever to join in. something was wrong with me. i diddn't have the ability then to ask myself what was wrong with me but thats the message i felt from everyone else- "why can't you sit with them?".
Nursery was absolute torture for my but there was only one second of almost-freedom from the whole thing, and that's when i tried to be a boy for one second. We were doing this activity thing where you go from one activity to the next in groups. i diddn't have the ability to socialise so for me it was feeling alone, trapped in isolation, wandering around at far distance from one fo the group tables seeing the girls all together doing soemthing. i diddn't even have the mental ability to know what i was even supposed to be doing but i was the only one wandering around on my own trying not to cry. Teachers just ignored me most of the time but when i started watching the boys play football and christopher (the same onewho tried to kiss me in year 1) either accidently or purposely kicked the ball near me from far away (it was a hall and the boys were playing football in their half of the hall)and i had to kick it back. some people were shouting at me not to kick it back and i felt scared and confused but he was encouraging me to kick it and i did and i think he said it was a good kick after or soemthingpositive that made mefeel releived and like iddone something right for once and that was the first social/positive eye contact type connection i'd ever felt but the teacher came over and told me off and other people told me off.afterwondering why a lot of times i remembered it was because i kicked the ball quite hard andhe must have thought it was going tohit him. there was some comment about how that activity was for the boys and i couldn't join in.This was seen as cheeky behavior and i was told off and even my dad was called in for a fora formal telling off but because i was only 3 i diddn't have the words or ability to even tell my dad that i diddn't do anything wrong. i can remember it picturesquely exactly how it was and where we were standing. she said to my dad i had been doing bad behavior or something and i couldn't even speak and because my anxiety was so high from them telling me off i couldnt even remember the kick. i remember the position i was in and the position he was in etc but not the kick because i was made to feel like id done a bad thing so i forgot it. The teacher kept telling me "tell your dad what you did today" apart from not even having a clue it was about the kick because she wouldn't tell me or i forgot because i was so anxious, the horrible thing is i diddn't even know how to speak when i was that young, i litteraly DID not know how to speak. i had about 10 words in my vocabulary but i diddnt know how to use them like that. i started crying (but i remember trying not to because i was embarrased infront of my dad) and then went over to my dad clinging on to himor somethingwanting to express my confusion. i remember him looking at me smiling and shaking his head at the teacher denying i would have done anything wrong but the frustration of not being able to express the truth was just horrible and he still suspected it. i even remember the sun coming through the window which makes me remember how tensed up i was. I just thought, they're the boss and i have to look scared of them so they will stop being horrible to me, like a recessive thing. that recessive thing was the only instinctual communication thing i had and i hate the teachers so much for that. Iv only just remembered that now.
They're not the only memories i have but it's good to get that out. Incase your wondering if i'm only sharing negative memories i'm not. from school there are no positive memories. NONE. It's just got slightly easier as i got older and had the ability in my brain to try and realise there was something wrong with me and ponder the answer. All my life i've been trying to work it out and i'm getting there because it's the only thing i can do. It's a combination of autism, gender dysphoria and social anxiety. but which one is causing which??? I wish i had known i was a boy from that age.