Well, thankfully, this christmas is over, and i couldnt be happier to see the back of it. 2 months ago, i had a serious relationship, i was engaged, living with him and well not happy exactly, something got lost over the last year. He started getting aggresive, not physicly, but verbally, all i heard was he hated me, then he was sorry. I couldnt do anything right, i mean i only had to breath, and i’d hear, oh for f*ck sake, what you in a huff about? id defend, hed start again. Lots more to say, but maybe its best unsaid.
So first christmas in ages, im alone, with a bottle of whiskey, just waiting for sleepyness to wisk me of to bed and deal with the hangover tommorrow.
I feel so hopelessly lonely, i dont know how, but i have lost all of my friends, apart from 2 who are always busy working. I never thought my life would end up like this? But here we are, 19 when i should be out partying, or at friends, and im just so alone.
Nearly new year, time for new start and resolutions, but whats the point? no matter how many i make, i will never be good enough, never preety enough, never smart enough, never happy enough for those around me. I have never felt good about myself in my whole life. I dream of the day i could.
Then theres my Dad, the man who couldnt defend his own daughter from his son. The man, who chose another womans child, over his own flesh and blood, and looked at me like i was filth, till i just gave up, and stopped seeing him many years ago. He wants back in contact, and i dont, i hate that man, for everything he ever did, to me, to my mother all the lies, and bull shit he spread.
Why am i so uncapable of making friends? I have to stay strong for my mum though, it would kill her if she knew how i feel, so i put my best smile on, like everythings ok. I know it sounds cheesy, but if she knew even half of how i felt, she’d be heartbrocken. I did something stupid a couple of weeks back, i cut again. I must not do it again! im so ashamed of how weak i was then, before that it had been a year and i thought it was over.
Im just ranting on, but it feels good to just get it out, i feel im at that point were the words are just spilling out onto the screen, in no perticular order, like i cant make sense on how to say this.