why does it feel like forever since i have written in this blog, since i've written down my feelings.

i'm just gonna let my fingers flow over the keyboard and see what happens.


The same feelings that i cannot seem to express…….. can i shout in my room that I LOVE HIM and not have my parents come rushing in being nosey…. no i do not think so. 


Have you ever wondered what it is like not to love someone who hurts you all the time? i sure have! I love so many people and i think i am confusing friendship love with real love, because if it is real love then i love my best friend and two guy mates of mine who happen to be brothers as well! and that would just screw it all up. 


Why can't i get a grip on my feelings, not be able express how i feel really brings me down and i hold it in so many times i feel like i am going crazy, is that normal? to know it harms you to hold things in and still do it to spare the other persons feelings. I just wanna shout, screaming… hit something/someone. To show i am not that happy person everyone thinks i am, I feel horrible, I feel depressed and ugly and worthless and they keep saying " oh you'll get over it"… " oh you're not ugly" blah blah blah but they don't understand!!! I am surrounded by good looking people and they just don't understand what it is like to be the reject of the group, to feel out of place to feel like there is nothing worth doing as you will just fuck it up, to have no confidence….. i just want to be myself. warts and all.


I want to be accepted to not have to prove myself over and over again, to have to explain why i don't believe in god, to why i don't want to be happy all the time, why i cut myself. why can't people just stop judging me, for how i look ….. for how i feel. why can't i just be, why do i have to fit into a box…… bisexual, self harmer, depressed, ugly, fat, disgusting, loser, loner….. why do i have to be these things why can't i just be myself.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Sometime it is your conception of yourself that is your worst enemy.  I get the sense that you discount reassurances from others. that things are not as you see them.  Could it be that you are the obstacle in your aspirations. 

    0 kudos

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