Charles died.

His cats made it to Minnesota, and are now permanent members of my younger sisters household.  they love Karmen and Tony and their new little \'sister\' Ninja Shri.  They have a family.

Charles was cremated, and finally laid to rest on September 11th in Jamestown, NY.  I didn\'t go.  I had family and prior obligations to my cousin here in minnesota.  i took the pictures at her wedding.  I\'m not very good, but I took a total of 2800 pictures… lots of snap shots.  they kept me running all day.  the running was a welcome thing to keep my mind off what the day really meant to me.  But now, although there is no regret about not making the travels to new york for the memorial… there are regrets that all those pictures i took.  cousin in question never even posted mine on facebook.  I didn\'t expect them all to show up there, but I didn\'t and don\'t like that she posted a handful of the ones her mom took, and then never even got some of the nice ones I did.  It\'s depressing.  I took some really nice ones and she couldn\'t even put a handful up. 

I miss Charles.  Every day the memories of our time together, as well as the conversations and chats over the last ten years sit in the foreground of my mind.  Especially those days we were together.  It\'s so frustrating.  I cry all the time.

I\'m told that I need to vent, and talk… but I don\'t feel like I\'m being heard when I do.  I don\'t feel like anyone wants to really hear what I\'m saying.  Charles hadn\'t met my family… they hadn\'t talked.  It was all me talking about him.  So they know  the bad and the good, but not enough of the good to understand why I miss him so much.  I just feel alone with it. 

I went to a presentation at the hospital explaining grief.  There were five of us in attendance, and when it was over, I was filling out the registration papers for the support group that starts in late January… and as the other three out of the four filtered out… I felt… lost.  like it was another place I just didn\'t belong.  The presenter/speaker was going to have a chat with the last guy in the room, and all of a sudden I just felt… like a third wheel… like I didn\'t belong and that I should\'ve left right away instead of filling out that paperwork.  like I was where I shouldn\'t be.  And in my head, all I could think was that if I didn\'t fill it out then… I might not do it at all.  And I wanted the speaker and woman who runs some of the support groups to tell me that maybe we could set up an appointment to talk.  but… she didn\'t.  and I was forced out… to be alone with my thoughts again.

so much of the time that\'s how I feel in this life.  that I don\'t fit… and no amount of trying to find places that should accept me… will help. 

To top all of this off… in the last few months I\'ve been having what seems to be panic attacks.  I thought it was something else, but when I explained the feelings and had one in front of my mom… she said it was all of the stress and such that I hold inside… and my body is just reacting to all of it.  I get these horrible headaches… and then all of a sudden… I shut down.  I can\'t really see straight, everything\'s too bright… and the voices and sounds around me fade out… I can\'t talk… I feel nauseus… and it\'s like I\'m in a cave… I can hear the things around me but it\'s so quiet and distant… and I feel like throwing up as I start to come out of it.  I feel like passing out.  I don\'t think I\'m going to die, but I feel like the air just won\'t come back into my body as fast as it should.  So… panic attack.  I\'ve never had these before now… and I guess it makes sense that I\'m… messed up. 

So,… that\'s where I\'m at.  Charles is dead… and I\'m trying to work through everything alone.  and it\'s so hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is truly gone.  Forever.  Everything makes me so sad and angry.  it\'s all so trivial.  he\'s gone… and people complain about their husband or boyfriend not being sensitive enough..  work sucks… and here I am… in the midst of a shit storm… and no one can help me.

and so you know… the worst thing I do… is listen to sad fucking music.  I put paramore in on pandora… and got music about guardian angels… and flyleaf\'s all around me… which makes me cry more.  It seems like I can\'t escape this.  I hear a song in the car, and all of a sudden the lyrics become clear and it\'s about me and Charles.  It\'s about being alone.  About death and dealing and… just… me.  Which is stupid.  but no matter what I do… I don\'t feel like I can escape it.

I\'m so… fucked.  I miss him so very much… the one person I could\'ve talked to about all of this is truly gone… and it sucks.  so much.