It's been a while since I last posted here and many things have happened since. Too many in fact to even explore. Joyful times, sad times, upset & anxiety. For the first time though, I think i'm hitting some symptoms of depression and it's scaring me.

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There's a lot in my head and I keep having such horrible nightmares… Last night they were so horrible that I haven't left the house today or done hardly anything, except moap around and barely talk to anybody.

n

I've been given only one session of CBT which was about 6 weeks ago now – our wellbeing team here are so incredibly bad, it took 5 months just to get an appoinment due to them cancelling on me so often. My first session just taught me relaxation, which in fairness has helped a little. My doctor has also put me on citalopram because I was struggling. After 4 years of having no medication, I feel guilty for being on it – I feel like I'm blaming things on my anxiety that might not even be there. My problem is that I've always felt I'm over reacting or that because people don't understand it, that I should just be putting up with it like I have for so long.

n

My main problem now is that I feel i'm in a dangerous zone where I'm using bad behaviours to escape from the abnormally that I feel from everyone else. It sounds incredible and dramatic, but I can't understand when my thoughts are right and wrong anymore. Drinking, going out, over eating, sometimes never eating… Now I'm torn, is this my head? is it the medicine? is it just a strange phase because of the time of year?
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nI hate how often my brain goes round in a loop, on and on never finding a definitive answer. It's what sets my brain apart. In a way, I suppose I should see my differences as a challenge that I was given to embrace and learn from… It's just very very difficult. I know that there are worse people off out there & when I'm feeling this pathetic I always feel guilty, I know im lucky in so many ways!
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nI'm just finding it difficult, from many angles. The worst thing is not knowing how or when I'll get back out of this, but I want to fight it instead of letting it trap me in my house all day long! I hate getting to the end of a day and not wanting anything to do with anyone and knowing that I wasted an entire day in self loathing.

n

I need to promise to take care of myself and to be kind to myself – force myself to be more human but not to make the wrong choices. I guess I don't trust myself anymore, but I'm going to have to try little by little.

1 Comment
  1. darkpoet1977 7 years ago

    Hang in there, I truly feel for you! I go through cycles like that. I can be on top of the world med free and then crash amd burn in a matter of minutes. I know how hard it can be but the important thing is you are never alone here.

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