I've got a couple things on my mind. First, I want to write about Shawn and I talking more to eachother, and me opening up about what I'm talking about in therapy; and by the time, I try to think of the second topic, like right now, I've forgotten what the second topic was.
Anyways, Shawn and I talked … well, I guess I told him. I was still crying when I got home from therapy, and, like susual, when I've been crying, he wanted to know what happened or what is wrong. Normally, I don't talk to Shawn about therapy. I had noticed this over the past few days/weeks. I open up to Catie, to people at work, but I hadn't been opening up to Shawn about my therapy, what was said and explained, and how I was trying to digest it all, but still have so much more I feel like I want to tlak about. It makes me wonder if I've learned to live as my true self only in my head. I, also, wonder if my writing will change more as I open up and discover myself. Back to Shawn and I talking…
Shawn and I haven't been talking to eachother like 2 people in a relationship for a long time. We'd check with eachother about bills, food, pets, and some work stuff. The first time I really opened up to him, again (kind of again, but never really about my real thoughts and feelings because of fear of acceptance) was after the first time I had written in my journal. We were laying in bed one night, and I'm not sure how it came up or if , maybe, I felt I had to tell him. I told him about the letter I'd written my mom in highschool, how I'd felt not belonging, or being myself. But not that this is how I'd come to feel and believe truly being myself would hurt my family, and so I'd felt I had to be subdued. Even writing this, I feel guilty for implying that my loving family had anything to do that seems so horrible to me when I think from the perspective of someone from the outside, but I don't think it was intended or maybe it was to keep me in line… about that I'm not sure. I keep getting side-tracked.
The second-time, I opened up to him again about a past situation that had hurt me, was the second story I had written down here. Like the first time, I had told Shawn about this stuff he had hugged me tight and reassured me that I am loved. These are becoming a pleasant way of recalling these painful events/memories. He told me before when we had first started dating that it seemed as though my brothers were facored. it seemed easy for my brothers to get help from my parents, money or otherwise **like help moving or going on missions for church** This having, also, been something I recall talking with Catie about on many occassions. It's nice to get that confirmation from an outside source.
He then went on to say he wanted to talk to my dad about this. That statement had made me very anxious. Instantly, I was feeling that tightness in my chest that I live with on a regular basis. It's that tightness before a performance, when you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, or when you've been hiding so much so you won't get into trouble because there would be no understanding of sexual exploration only concern for my soul and my mom crying again about being a horrible mother and a failure. Of course, it was Dad that Shawn wanted to talk to because he is familiar with the emotional roller coaster, our mother takes us on if we aren't careful enough.
At this point, I'm not sure what I said if anything. I was excited about him wanted to stand up for me, but, scared because I knew he would do it when I was there. Now, because of my shame/guilt complex, I want to clarify that I don't want to be there because I don't want to see my father hurt for hearing that I'm having issues living my life (going to work, persuing dreams, etc.). I was emotionally stumped in growrth. Then, to break the ice, I will redirect your attention ( and my own) by making a joke about my height. (Since you don't really know me yet, I'm 4 feet 10 inches.)
It has been wonderful having these moments of being able to open up to Shawn, and I hope it continues being wonderful.