I don’t know if it’s just because of holidays, continuing pandemic, work, not having internet which means haven’t had therapy in almost a month, new house stress, or all the above, but I’ve been going through a roller coaster of emotions lately.

I guess not like a roller coaster, but a tilt-a-whirl. Some days I feel like I’m spinning slow or hardly at all. Either my day is kinda uneventful but good, or feel optimistic & hopeful. Other days I’m spinning fast & feeling of uncertainity kick in. My mind is being pulled in different directions. Multiple co-workers asking me for help one after the other or all at the same time, trying to get into my good habits again to better my mental health, journaling, exercise, salads for lunch again, at least twice a week walks with my dog… All this stuff I know I can better myself… Yet feelings of doubt & low self-esteem kick in.

It sucks when my mind gets easily distracted, like today I had a reminder set on my phone at 3:45 PM take a break from work & make a therapy appointment. Guess what? Didn’t happen. We FINALLY got internet last week from not having internet in over a month after moving to our new house, but do I take the time out of my day since last week to make a therapy appointment..? Nop.

When I am at work I get so focused at work & that’s all I think about. I don’t take 15 minute breaks & I don’t take even 20 minutes for lunch most days. I feel so connected to my job since it is a family business & I feel a strong responsibility to make it be a high priority that I lose focus to take my other priorities into my daily routine. BIG example my anxiety & depression… Why do I feel guilty for even saying that?!

My husband told me while eating supper tonight “You need therapy honey. You’ve become more irriatable & cannot 100% relax.” I hate how I know what I need to do, but during the work day I feel like I need to put work first. I some how convince myself “I can do that later. I’ll take a break later.” and completely forget about it till it’s after 5 PM and too late to make an appointment, make phone calls, run different errands, or actually take a legit break from work.

I’ve been feeling so frustrated with myself lately… but strangely at the same time feeling somewhat hopeful that I can improve? I guess it helps how in the past I made a lot of progress & felt optimstic a lot of the time. Maybe that’s why I feel hopeful.


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