I’m worried. I don’t feel depressed at present yet certain behaviours would suggest that actually I am. Does this mean that the medication is numbing the low feelings but doing nothing to actually improve my state of mind? I am not motivated to do anything. I do not find enjoyment in anything. I find life a huge chore. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lovely big home, bigger than I would like, gorgeous children though they are at really difficult ages making things tough as we need to have space for them and be around for them even though they actually spend very little time at home. I find myself thinking of the life I have, the life that I was made to believe I should want yet I don’t. I think that the more you have the more you need and I don’t want that. I want a simple life, a small home, a quiet life. I socialise less and less but then this is probably the illness keeping me isolated.
Anyone who has taken Psychology will have heard of the self fulfilling prophecy; I am under investigation and at the end of tests that doctors believe will result in a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome/M.E. and I feel as though the knowledge of this is making me even worse, that I’m conforming to the illness, to the label.
On a typical day (because I am currently signed off work) I barely even get up. I raid my kitchen for what little food we have then slump in front of the t.v. for the entire day scoffing my face in my pyjamas. If my husband, children or animals need me to do anything I get it done but it generally doesn’t involve leaving the house so again I don’t really get up. I mostly cancel social plans making me a flake not worth bothering with where friends are concerned. My brother in law recently asked me to clean his house (paid) and that was great cos I got up and cleaned all day, was on my feet, was active and loved it, I felt alive but then the next day I was fit for nothing with exhaustion again.
I am lonely. I am motivated only when supported. I hate this life. I have always been so active and now I am nothing.
Soon I will be going back to a job that is emotionally draining, that I no longer enjoy but continue to do because I have bills to pay for a house and life that is too big but cannot be downsized until the children have left home.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, I feel entirely hopeless.