Entry 7 –
Well it’s been a whole week, so how have I progressed since seven days ago when I felt like my whole world was capsizing and I wouldn’t be able to do anything ever again. Since then, I went (ubered) to and sat through a job interview, starting walking outside again, meditated daily to help ground myself as well as jot down my worry thoughts here in this blog, drove myself 6 miles to a bar to socialize and made amends with a group of friends I had fell out of.
How do I feel? Well more or less the same but my anxiety hasn’t gone to those out of control, I have no idea what is happening levels. Nothing’s changed in my actual life except my ability to go out and live it. Which is a wonderful thing! And even though I still get nervous, have intrusive worry thoughts (that I now challenge more so), sweat a lot, have other mental and physical barriers, I’ve settled myself back down to where I’m able to prioritize and manage my life and maintain my anxiety disorder. And once again, that’s great. I have made progress here alone. I will not stop however, I hereby commit to keep entering my worry thoughts and meditating regularly for at least a whole month (31 entries) and see from there. Because this is a lifelong journey, I don’t intend to leave this site/cancel my membership but rather come back to it when I start to backslide or feel like I need some help. The world is scary, but that doesn’t have to change how we need to be a part of it. I refuse to allow my anxiety disorder cause me to “check out” of life and send me spiraling towards far worse things.
Without further ado, here are my worry thoughts for the day:
I can’t be outside right now, I should have stayed home. I was home enough today, there is no place that is “safe” outside nor inside. You are equally vulnerable no matter where you are (more or less) and so you might as well get outside, get some free vitamin D and fresh air and exercise instead of being cooped up all day.
What if my friend comments on how dusty my room is again? Then so what, nothing really bad happened last time except that I started to meticulously clean my room to prevent dust/clutter. But with those things it’s good to clean your room once a week anyway and not make a big deal over it. Guests can stand to be in a slightly dirty room for a little while, it doesn’t have to be perfect just presentable.
The elevator went down, what if something bad happens I’m going up and thus the elevator must go up. The elevator went down because someone else needed it from the basement, there isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s only a slight deviation from your normal route. Don’t think about the environment, just think about how you will be home soon and will see how it is no big deal.
My father yelled at me again, why must he always yell at me? Well that’s just how he is, at least this time he’s already forgiven you. Your dad is much older now and very worn from years of stressful employment. If anything he should be the one worried (and yet he’s not) because what he needs to do is manage his rage/anger much better but instead he doesn’t do anything about it. I think if he’s gone this long enough raging and being angry through life and been okay, you’ll be okay too. Just ignore it and look forward to when he’ll be fine again, which will probably be soon anyway. It’s his lot in life that made him like this, rather than focus on the episode of yelling, focus on your lot in life and be thankful for the things/opportunity you have and be vigilant for how to avoid over stressing yourself.
What if I faint walking outside? Well then someone will eventually see me and call an ambulance, we live in a major city not the woods, that or I’ll just come to and can go see a doctor. But I have no reason to believe this will happen. I’ve walked a lot and for very long distances my whole life and never once mysteriously fainted. Stop creating this boogie man so I can enjoy my walk. If I really feel like I need to ground myself slightly I can go inside a bank and cool off and stop to take a breather but worrying about something that doesn’t make sense will only aggravate my situation.
I woke up late again. This is becoming a problem for sure, lack of sleep is not good for your mental health, however, it is getting a little better by maybe an hour or so. I will make sure to go to bed earlier tonight and wake up earlier tomorrow. Each night and morning are a new opportunity to fix this problem and at the very very least this time it wasn’t my fault. For whatever that’s worth, these things happen, I will do my best to fix this.
This walk is longer than any walk I took this week, what if I won’t be fine? Well remember when I used to take really long walks to clear my head and make myself feel better. I miss those days and should try to make longer walks a thing again. As for the worry, I can always just turn around mid step and head back if I start to feel bad, no one will judge me and even if they did I really don’t care at this point. If something actually happens, then we can start to do something about it. Until then your heart is only racing because of how you worry and not because something is actually wrong. Think about it, stop, breathe and clear your mind and see once more if it’s still a problem.
I need water, what if I die of thirst? Thank god I don’t actually have to deal with this issue. Take a (small amount of) water bottle with you but you don’t need to drink every five seconds, that is a myth too (see the episode of Adam Ruins Everything where he busts hydration)
What if my eyes fail on me and I go blind? Then I hope I’m not driving. But they never have, and I eat plenty of carrots which are said to be good for your eyes and soon I will get new glasses which will be better for dealing with light than these are. Until then, again, stop, breathe and clear your mind, take note of your surrounds. There is no reason for you to go blind and even if you did it wouldn’t meant hat you’d be dead. And once again, we live in a big city, someone would be able to help you, this isn’t the woods or the middle of nowhere.
That old woman from my building who used to be so nice to me now is in a wheelchair needs an attendant and has alzheimers. She just got into the elevator and I’m freaking out, this is a sign I’m going to get alzheimers. First off, I don’t believe in “signs” this sort of almost cult like thinking used to dominate my childhood after 9/11 and my mom got cancer. The world soon became a really scary place and I thought that if I had the wrong thoughts or beliefs or if a “sign” happened I would have something bad happen to me like my mom or those people in the twin towers. Well that’s irrational and it doesn’t help you in anyway. Even if that were true, my brain can’t do anything beneficial or positive with that information and it would be something of a cruel truth about our world that you wouldn’t be able to prevent no matter what, so you might as well just ignore it and live your life. But still, I solely maintain it’s bulls*** and only serves to make you feel worse. I don’t know if these things are true or if someone’s watching over me or if I’m being sent “signs” but I can only live my life and deal with the challenges thrown at me that make sense. Thinking about something like that is just worry in a pure form and you can’t win when you worry so I am a thousand times better off just not thinking about it. And lastly, well then so what, sure it’s a terrible disease but she’s still alive right? We’re all due for some end, if that were to be my end so be it but right now it’s not the case. I just have to stop reinforcing neurosis about my neurosis and I will get better.
Once again, worry does nothing for your but harm your mental state and worsen your anxiety disorder. In order to combat this I have taken a pledge with my therapist for a zero tolerance on worry. It’s tough but in the long term I know this is a fight that winning will get me back on the right track of life.
other worry thoughts:
I’ve been going to therapy for so long, what if I never get better? Well I’ve made progress several times and great progress, and even if I don’t get better, someone will eventually find a way to help me, most likely. Anxiety disorder, from what I’ve been thought is not going crazy per se, because no one goes crazy from anxiety alone you just feel like you’re going crazy.
What if my friend gets here too late/soon? If then, so what? Seriously who cares that either gives me more time to be productive and relax or more time to work on our project.
Quite a bit more today, note it’s probably because I have a “fuller” day today with stuff that normally makes me anxious. I think we’ll be fine again as soon as I start to wake up earlier, get a job, girlfriend, etc.