Money…why is it always a mother fucking issue in like 99% of people's lives, you either havent enough or the other LUCKY 1% has too much. Too much money, emmm i wouldnt mind that though and personally i dont think their is such a thing!

Im starting to worry about my financial situation. Its pretty desperate at the moment. I dont know if im feeling the pinch cos of all this recession CRAP or because im not doing things for 'easy money' (even though that money was never easy like they say it is!) but im feeling it none the less, and for the first time in a long long time im worried. I actaully thought about starting to sell again, i dont want to do that…i really dont but it just came into my head an i was like 'umm people always need drugs' but i dont want to be the cause of other peoples misery either. And i know the obvious answer everyone is probably thinking ,…EMM GET A JOB, but there is a SLIM chance of that at the moment, plus im studying and doing work experience and lets face it im not exactley 'grounded' on the home front either. I know i probably sound like a little shithead saying these things but im just being honest, and trying to get my thoughts in order too… adjusting if you will.

On other news i dropped my car into the garage today so fingers crossed it will be ready monday…and emm how am i going to pay for that?? Well i havent got a fucking breeze. Isnt life funny, when i was dealing i had so much money, i never really had to worry, in fact most times i didnt even put money in my purse , it was all just kind of stuffed into my bag….now im searching out the nooks and crannys of that purse i didnt bother using for a few measley cents!…Literally.

I rang my counsellor today to make an appointment for next week, i want to go back an see her, i know sometimes i feel worse after talking to her but ultimatley i know i need to be there and that i only feel bad cos im thinking of bad things…things i blocked out and when im with her they just come flooding back, as anyone who does counselling etc , they will know what i mean there. Its emotional stuff, hard but if i ever want a chance of getting better i have to keep it up.

A friend in recovery rang me yesterday, he is out of a treatment center after being there almost 6 months, he sounds great, so happy. Im so happy for him. He has been in treatment a few times so i just really realy hope it works for him this time. He really deserves it and god knows he is really trying…HARD.

i know this blog is a load of bullshit  but i just really need to get some stuff off me chest. I need to get it out of my head. Sometimes there are so many thoughts in there i just NEED to write stuff down.Even if it is mostley nothingness. Sorry about that everyone.

I feel like my life is on hold, i feel that way for the last year, even though i am doing things, i was working alot last year, i have completed one course and am stil doing another plus work experience related to the course so its not as if im sitting on my ass all day so why do i feel like im just drifting along doing nothing? Thats a weird feeling and to be honest i dont like it, i dont like feeling like im just ''drifting along'' in life.

xxxx – heres hoping things change soon. i just want something to happen no what i mean?