i feel changes are happening to me as my memory is playing tricks and some things that should matter dont, also im doing more and things back to front like looking through books and reading graphs and tables on the net ,left and right ,front and back empty and full start and finish well i have always been a bit the opposite in a few things but thesedays hah all the time it seems maybe its a combination of dementia and ocd along with all the pills and booze and pot ive taken over the last few decades and now days i just have my pills and a few beers unless i get offered a number from a mate. money has never been of importance to me and my family have suffered somewhat i believe from that hell ive just always had so much to sort out in my mind that peices of paper and coins were just that very low in my priorities so as a consequence my wife and i live in a small home with just the essentials like a tv and play station hah, and my mind is banging away still at me like "monsters from the id" trying to break down the barriers that i create for it with the help of my meds but hell its still very hard every morning and every night and all through the day my EVERY thought and action is monitored by my monster trying to control the outcome of anything i like to do and to put a spin on it. i fear that nobody will ever know the real me as i see myself ,my urges, fantasies,guilt,dreams and nightmares dwell forever inside my head ,little bits of me do manage to exit the mizease just as well or i would tip too much in way or the other and the bi polar or scyzopfrenic parts of me would take control and REALITY would not matter any more as one plus one would equal 7 to me and the cacoon thats still trying to envelope me after half a century would suceed. maybe the fear of loosing complete control is the MONSTER which began with my night terrors as a child and in some way made my mind stronger from the first meeting that had me running through the house screaming as loud as i could and pumping sweat out from every pour in my body till somebody in my family would catch me and try to comfort me till the monster started to dissipate ,oh god i still remember those terror attacks as the tracks in my mind are still there waiting for the horror express to come again but if i let it come back fully it would be the end of me…………………………..

hey sorry i seemed to have gone off in a tangent there ,now ill have to remember what i was going to talk about……………………….woob

2 Comments
  1. chez 9 years ago

    Grime you are a good guy you will get through this stay strong and it's good to get it out. The size of you'r house or what posessions you have doesn't matter aslong as you have a loving family and friends keep smiling.

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  2. maryanne 9 years ago

    Having a rough time of it right now, huh?  Just try to hang on and hang in and better days will come – sooner or later.  Have you ever heard of DBT?  It's short for dialectic behavior therapy and is supposed to work when nothing else has.  I'm going through it now and it's rather tedious, but I see their point.  Might ask your doctor or therapist about it.  I figured, what the hell, anything to maybe feel better, so I'm doing it.  You're a nice guy caught in a bad way, but somehow things will get better.  You are too good of a person for them not to!  Take care, Maryanne

     

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