I am taking this from an online diary but here is an example of what a typical day of depression and anxiety is for me.
I know all i ever do is come on here and bitch. I bitch about work, I bitch about my husband, about family. Whatever I Bitch. i cant help it. I need to come on here and vent because I honestly feel like know one gives a shit IRL and i might as well just kill myself. I honestly and totally feel like that.
Like now my boss basically told me that she doenst know what I am going to do this summer because I keep on fucking up on books because i cant see hairs sticking out of their head, and its either me or the computer. It probally is me, but it could be the computer. Also, they are blurry. The blurrieness isnt my fault either..thats her problem. Most importantly i should be checking it closer i guess.. i dont know. Ok , i do know, i guess i should be checking them closer. But quite honestly I dont want to fucking be making books the rest of my fucking life. Yea im a 22 year old loser making books. They are going to test it this weekend and see if its the computer. well if its not the computer, then its me, and they will probally fire me. They probally want to because they dont want to pay the extra thousands of dollars at year to pay me. I feel like im in this constant fog where i am just not quite getting it, and i constantly fuck up. I cant do it anymore.
By getting it i mean anything..like i am supposed to be understand something and i am just not quite there.
I honestly in my heart, just know i would be better off dead. Seriously. i dont think anyone would honestlhy care. I am just sick of it all, sick of not doing anything right, why isnt me that always has to be treated like shit, and can never do anything right. Am i not using my brain enough? Is there some trick that in life that i dont know? AM i just dense?
If im not fucking up at work, im fucking up at home.
My fucking husband threatened to take my credit card away..what am i fucking kid?
I dont sleep at night because i have nightmares of my sons biological father coming and kidnapping him.
What the hell is wrong with me..would someone please just tell me? Is there something I should be doing different?
SHould i have given my son up for adoption? Is God punishing me in some way?
I just hurt so bad. I cant even describe it, and im bawling as i type this.
I just cant contain it anymore. I cant. I just cant do it anymore. Anything. I constantly feel like a failure, like a constant fuck up.
YEt, im sure i would never tell anyone IRL.
only thing i know how to do is feed my fat ass and become fatter and fatter. Maybe ill be like that chick in that book by Wally Lamb.. Shes Come Undone… and practically feed myself to death and then go try to drown myself by a dead whale.
Am i just not meant to have a good life. I dont want to be like this but maybe i am supposed to.
I just hurt. I jurt so bad. i cant even control it. I cant do it anymore, i am afraid i am going to go off on someone that i dont mean to pretty soon, and nto mean to. I dont want to hurt anyone either, I might as well just go kill myself.
I just dont know what to do anymore..i feel like i have a missing peice in the puzzle.