PAST………Ever since I can remember, I’ve always believed in God. All throughout high school, I gained a stronger understanding of my religious beliefs, and my relationship with God. I viewed the world from a religious perspective. To me, religion was a way of life, a sense of hope, and something I believed strongly towards.  I was brought up as a Roman Catholic, and believed everything was created by God in his image. I believed God created everything for a purpose and chose to live life to the fullest each day. I hated taking things for granted, and believed life was beautiful. I believed everything happened to me b/c God wanted me to learn lessons, realize my faults, help others, and reflect on my own experiences. I believed God was everywhere and everything. My faith was so strong. I loved praying and found comfort in various forms of prayer. I was not afraid to preach about the word of God or to treat others as I wanted to be treated. Since my faith was so strong, I found it easy to accept the church’s teachings because I always found a way to relate them to my life experiences. I always felt a sense of safety and security in my beliefs and everything I valued in life. My faith also taught me to see the beauty in nature and the simple things in life.

PRESENT……… I still believe there is a God, but ever since things started to really fall apart 2 years ago, I’ve been in a period of questioning everything I valued and believed in.  I question why things happen, and who it happens to quite frequently.  The biggest change in my beliefs have been in regards to prayer. I never prayed for myself. I always prayed for others. I just can’t pray now. Those words have no meaning to me anymore. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I just feel like I need a break from God. I just want to be alone and not focus on anything. I don’t want explainations because I’ll never get the answers to my questions. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to hear that God has never done anything wrong for me, I don’t want to hear about "miracles", I don’t want to hear words related to religion or spirituality. I just want to escape. When religion was all you knew, and then God’s light stops shining and your world becomes dark, it’s hard to find the light again. Religion was all I knew, and was not something that entered my life right away. It takes time to settle in and people can call me a fool for acting stubborn, but I don’t think I’m turning away from God, just taking a vacation.  There is nothing prayer will do for me right now. Prayer is like crying, it relieves temporary tensions, but it doesn’t change the facts.

FUTURE….. I’ve been told that it’s okay to question your beliefs, and that God never leaves you.  One day I’ll be that person who relies on her faith again, but right now I’d rather not think about it.

1 Comment
  1. mamabear18 13 years ago

    A few weeks a go I was having a spiritual issue of my own, and in the past I have had well I guess a for lack of a better term a beef with God for my own reasons. With out making it about me lets say you replied to my blog and said some things that lifted my spirits and I hope to do the same. I think there is nothing wrong with taking a break or questioning your faith. you are only human after all in fact it has been proven by Mother Terresa”s diary after she passed on that even she one of the most speritual women in the world had serious moments in whitch her faith was lacking. I don”t think God exspecs us to be perfict, if we were we”d all be angels. 

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