They should have ‘numb’ as a mood.
So yesterday he suggested we take a walk after work. It was nice. But I felt really inadequate when he took the dog’s leash from me and proceeded to walk him ‘correctly’. I thought I was doing fine. Sure, he tries to run and jerks me around a bit, but I expect that. I was having fun, so was the dog. He’s not used to a leash, we usually just let him run around. So I felt a little defeated by that when he said, "Here, let me take the dog." and then tried to walk him like Ceasar Milan or something. I don’t know. I didn’t say anything, of course. Maybe I was being too sensitive.
Still feeling VERY confused and not sure if there even is such a thing as emotional abuse. If there is, am I a victim of it? What if it happened a long time ago and now he’s changed? So does that make it different? I mean, I still feel the sting of EVERYTHING that’s happened. Oddly, I find it way easier to get over the bumps and bruises that I have had over the years than the cutting words and the way I FELT about everything.
I’ve never told him that I suspect he emotionally abused me. I have, however, told him how I FEEL. So he thinks I’m depressed and it has nothing to do with him. Maybe he’s right. I mean, most of the stuff DID happen a long time ago. But some of it is more recent. But I don’t know.
I swear, I have NEVER in my life felt this way. I don’t trust what I’m thinking. It’s like something inside my head is broken. It is a very scary feeling. I feel crazy, and scared.
Last weekend I was totally convinced that I had been emotionally abused and that I needed to get out of my relationship. Now, after a week with him, (he wouldn’t leave when I asked last weekend) I’m not sure anymore.
I can’t even explain it, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Or like I’ve BEEN losing my mind for a long time and now it’s just GONE.