I only had one lesson today. Another lesson, another assingment. This is really going to be so SO hard. This assignment is one, if not the biggest that i’ll have to do. I have to write a huge report on something that interstests me. I have to research it, report on it, talk about my findings.. the list goes on. I have no idea what I’m going to do that about. Maybe stress in the workplace, something I can relate to. I got home around 1pm today which was nice concidering the late night classes that I had last night. During the class we had to go to the libary. The libarian was totally treating the class like 5 year olds, when infact the age range is 19-45. We adults, and a vast majority of people know how to look for a book on the shelves. HELLO! It was very fursturating, to make it worse I had to be standing still, and that is when My knee and leg starts to go numb and tingly. Like pins and needles, but far worse. Its very painfull, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I wasn’t impressed. No concideration at all.
There seems to be some nice people in the class. I have started talking to a nice girl my age, and we get along well. There is another Kenyan guy that is nice, once you get past his shyness, and talking so quietly. He is very funny once you get him talking. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.
I have two new classes tomorrow. I’m sure it’s going to be another two assignments. After that I have one more new one to take on monday.Thats it. No more new ones after that. So that’ll be 6 assingments total. 6 units to go towards my eventual certificate IV In HR. I WAS thinking about going on to do a diploma in it next semester, but now I don’t think that i’ll be able to even pass in this one, so no way I’ll be able to do a diploma.Gee I just suck so bad. The trainer I have for most of these subjects is not very nice. I don’t like her. Thank god I have some new ones tomorrow.
I have yet to call the psychcologist back yet today. I’m freaking out about it. I honestly am at a loss as to what to do. Its a total catch 22. No matter what I do i’m going to be in a bad situation. This is soo stupid.
I decided that tomorrow i’m going to donate to the Red Cross for the Bushfire Appeal. It’ll only be 30 dollars or so, thats all I can really afford, but at least its something right? It’ll be the first time that I have ever donated to a appeal. I feel good about doing that. Feels as though i’m doing something to help. Its a good feeling.
I had some bad thoughts when I was on the bus on the way home. Just thoughts about suicide, and how it would be an easy way out. I’m sick of these thoughts coming into my mind all the time. I know a part of that is due to me being out of my anti depressants- Its payday tomorrow so I’ll be able to get some more. That hopefully will even me out again. This week has been a total rollercoaster, and I can’t wait to get off. My head is just in no where land right now. I’m just stressing out abot everything. Its not good. There was a moment during the bus ride where cutting came into my head. I havn’t cut in many months. I don’t know why that came into my head. I really don’t want to cut again. It’s like a compulsion. I don’t like how my head works sometimes.
When I got home today I actually starting singing to some songs that I have been listening to. It’s like a release somewhat for me. It was nice.. So now I’m rugged up in my blankets, with my fingers frozen. Its SOOO cold today, almost time to get the winter clothes out again. Ohh joy.. bring on the coldness.
Step sisters party on Saturday. Still freaking out about that. I don’t know how many people are going to be there, and they are going to be people I don’t know. I mean she’s only been my step sister for 5 months, and in that time I have only spoke to her like 3 times. I hope its not going to be too awkward. There is going to be alot of people I don’t know.. soo many. It’ll really only be her, her fiance, my father, stepmum and thats it. I don’t know anyone else that’ll be there. I still don’t know what I"m going to do about the alcohol situation. Not good. Concidering how stressed out I have been this week I recon I’ll drink. I just don’t know how much. I don’t want to make a fool of myself or anything, so I guess It’ll only be a little. Thats the thing though, a little for me starts little,but then I can’t stop. What am I going to do????? There is no good anwser unfortunatly.