hopeless.

abandoned.

forgotten.

unwanted.

these words pretty much rule my life. my boyfriend knows this. knows that my mom and dad never really are there for me, that they and my brother just ignore me, leave me to make myself food or starve, walk everywhere if no one can pick me up, to be my own family. he knows this. normally he's really good at making sure he doesn't make it seem like he doesn't want to be with me, like if he's playing a game or something and is "ignoring" me.

but tonight. god tonight, i felt terrible. i'm sitting there shivering, to death, and so i go over to him and try to warm up. generally, he puts his arms around me and holds me, no matter where we are at, who we are with, and keeps me close until i stop shivering. but tonight… he just kind of stood there, and says, "i guess we should turn the thermostat up, she's shivering. it's pretty bad when she's so cold that you can't even pry her off you."

that hit me. it was like he didn't care that i was cold. that i was ice, and was just trying to get warm. the prying off part got me even worse. it really seemed like he didn't want me there, didn't want to help me get warm, didn't even care that i was wanting to get warm. so i just kind of let go and crossed my arms, shivering and rubbing my arms, trying to get warm, bouncing from foot to foot… and it didn't work. and he just stood there and watched me, and then pushed me away and said he was going to play tips with the guys.

i didn't care he was going to play tips with the guys. i cared that he was starting to act like my family, not even care that i was shivering so much and just needed to get warm. and then i just kind of stood there, on the edge of the court, and he barely even looked at me, didn't even check to see if i warmed up or not. didn't ask if i wanted to play. nobody invited me to play. and then someone said, "get out of the way, jacque!" and i didn't even know i was in the way. i was on the edge of the court, but i was in the way, according to them. and i looked at austin, and he didn't even care. just sat there and waited for me to move.

i cried. i honestly cried. not in front of them of course, i left and went to "go get a soda." i just went into the other room, which had a soda machine, and sat in the corner and cried.

and then when i leave, and he gets home, he texts, and i mentioned something about finally warming up, just wondering what he would say, and he has the nerve to respond, "good! i couldn't stand it when you were shivering." and i had to fight to reply, "actions speak louder than words." but i just said, "yeah." instead, and he said, "don't believe me?" and of course i responded, "of course i do!" like a good little girl, even though i was thinking, "of course i don't dipwad, you treated me like i was a wet dog or something all night, and even worse when i was so cold i was having a hard time seeing straight."

not quite sure why i'm telling you guys this. probably because i feel bad for feeling this way, i know he doesn't mean it to come across like that, but i think of it like that because of my life. i just needed it to get off my chest, and writing is how i do that, and i want someone to know, i guess, to tell me it's all right to feel like that, or tell me that it isn't okay to feel like that and i did good in hiding the fact that i felt like that. but you don't have to. in the grand scheme of things, this is very miniscule, so it's not really worth your time, nor is it probably worth mine.

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