Feeling fearful and anxious. Again it's really for no good reason. Turns out that Paxil is shitty drug, and Prozac is more helpful and easier to deal with. However, it can't be used if you're trying to get pregnant.

Also I have friends who are on Prozac who still exhibit the characteristics I'm trying to change about myself. I'd hate to go through the risk of being on it, only to still have my same shit inner critic voice, and then have all the trials of trying to get off of it.

Why can't I just rally? I am really in a bad place right now. I have no energy, and don't feel like I can do anything. I have so much to be thankful for. Why can't I appreciate it? Is Prozac the answer, or simply a path to bigger problems? How am I going to get through this? Am I going to get through this?

I really want to be happy. Is it possible that I just don't want it badly enough? That part of me is taking pleasure in wallowing? Or maybe that wallowing is the easy way out, even though it totally sucks? I'm going to go try and lift some weights and see if I feel better.

Hmm…lifting weights did seem to help.  I don't feel as anxious right this second.  So what else seems to help?

1) Positive social experiences: I get a high off of being the funny smart me, and feeling positive energy from others and sharing laughter(as long as it's not at my expense).  The problem is that negative social experiences(awkwardness, not feeling a connection, feeling like the other person feels I'm stupid or boring) have such a higher impact that it makes me want to avoid all social situations.  Better to not have one, then to have a bad one.  However, then I just sit around a replay all the bad experiences and that becomes my reality.

2) Accomplishing something.  Solving problems.  

3) Feeling like I deserve to be loved.  That's different than simply being loved.  If I feel like I'm giving off unlovable characteristics then I don't trust that someone could still love me or even like me.  But I feel powerless to change those unlovable characteristics and then I just feel more anxiety.   

4) Feeling appreciated.  Again, I have to feel like I've actually done something to earn that appreciation

5) Doing something creative.  Again, it has to be something that I'm proud of.  If I try and get a crap result then I feel sad.