The past week has been a little trying. On Sunday I walked for 12 hours trying to get rid of suicidal thoughts. On Monday the doctor switched me over to some stronger drugs. On Tuesday I flew back to work after taking three weeks off sick (due to a ‘constitutional illness’), and had to report to the medical officers that I was taking anti-depressants.
On Wednesday I had to drive off site to a town for a course which I didn’t want to do to. Then I stayed the night there feeling very sick as I came down with the flu – and the food was crap. On Thursday I finished off my course and drove back to camp dangerously tired. I could barely talk on Thursday.
Today, Friday, I actually started to do some work but then I quickly realised why I hate work. So then when I get home I check Facebook (hoping somebody has sent me a message… or something) and all I read is how great everybody else’s lives are.
Tonight I felt myself slipping into another depressive episode. Tonight I really wanted to drink all the booze I’ve got in my small donga fridge and cry myself to sleep like the good old days. But I haven’t done that. Somehow I managed to pull myself back from the edge.
So here’s another take on how my week went. On Sunday I was teetering on the edge of suicide when I got off my arse and walked it out. It took me 12 hours but I finally got rid of the thoughts. On Monday I went to the doctor hoping for some stronger drugs and I got them – I also got a referral to a clinical psychologist. On Tuesday I went back to work and nobody pressured me about my time off work. I had a chat with my boss and we talked about moving me into another position (which is great news). Then I walked straight into the medical office expecting to have a hard time explaining to somebody who has known me for the past two years that I am now on anti-depressants, and it turns out that a relief medic is on site. So I just explained to her what drug I’m taking (I had to spell it out so I don’t think she even knew what it was for) and walked out with no questions asked.
On Wednesday I was worried sick about driving off site purely because I wasn’t very familiar with my destination, but I found it no worries at all. I managed to score quite a nice car to take off site (after a bit of frustration) and even found my accommodation easily as well. The food was crap but at least I didn’t go hungry.
On Thursday I was expecting to have to do a stupid role playing exercise for my course (it was a first aid course), but in the end I had a pretty easy one to do and I cruised through it. Then on the way out of the mine site an old mate from university yells out to me. I hadn’t seen her in about a year and it turns out she is heading over east for a coal mine somewhere and she is getting married. Then drove back to camp safely, even made it back a little early and had a constructive conversation with some blokes at the dry mess.
Then today I was invited out to dinner for next week by a couple of workmates. I has also planning to catch up with another person I used to work with that day, so I might even have a full social calendar when I get back home (if only for a day). Tomorrow I’m going to start training in a piece of scheduling software that I’ve been trying to get my hands on for weeks.
Sometimes you just need to put a positive spin on things. Deep down I still feel like I want sympathy from somebody, but I know I’m not going to get it and I’m just being selfish. I find it hard when I’ve got no good reason for feeling sad but I want to feel sad all the same. The thing that really set me off tonight was the fact that it’s a Friday night and I’m drinking all by myself, completely cut off from everybody that actually knows who I am. The fact that while I’m checking Facebook for messages that will never come other people are getting on with their lives.
I don’t know what brought me back tonight. I wish I did.