The past week has been a little trying. On Sunday I walked for 12 hours trying to get rid of suicidal thoughts. On Monday the doctor switched me over to some stronger drugs. On Tuesday I flew back to work after taking three weeks off sick (due to a ‘constitutional illness’), and had to report to the medical officers that I was taking anti-depressants.

On Wednesday I had to drive off site to a town for a course which I didn’t want to do to. Then I stayed the night there feeling very sick as I came down with the flu – and the food was crap. On Thursday I finished off my course and drove back to camp dangerously tired. I could barely talk on Thursday.

Today, Friday, I actually started to do some work but then I quickly realised why I hate work. So then when I get home I check Facebook (hoping somebody has sent me a message… or something) and all I read is how great everybody else’s lives are.

Tonight I felt myself slipping into another depressive episode. Tonight I really wanted to drink all the booze I’ve got in my small donga fridge and cry myself to sleep like the good old days. But I haven’t done that. Somehow I managed to pull myself back from the edge.

 

So here’s another take on how my week went. On Sunday I was teetering on the edge of suicide when I got off my arse and walked it out. It took me 12 hours but I finally got rid of the thoughts. On Monday I went to the doctor hoping for some stronger drugs and I got them – I also got a referral to a clinical psychologist. On Tuesday I went back to work and nobody pressured me about my time off work. I had a chat with my boss and we talked about moving me into another position (which is great news). Then I walked straight into the medical office expecting to have a hard time explaining to somebody who has known me for the past two years that I am now on anti-depressants, and it turns out that a relief medic is on site. So I just explained to her what drug I’m taking (I had to spell it out so I don’t think she even knew what it was for) and walked out with no questions asked.

On Wednesday I was worried sick about driving off site purely because I wasn’t very familiar with my destination, but I found it no worries at all. I managed to score quite a nice car to take off site (after a bit of frustration) and even found my accommodation easily as well. The food was crap but at least I didn’t go hungry.

On Thursday I was expecting to have to do a stupid role playing exercise for my course (it was a first aid course), but in the end I had a pretty easy one to do and I cruised through it. Then on the way out of the mine site an old mate from university yells out to me. I hadn’t seen her in about a year and it turns out she is heading over east for a coal mine somewhere and she is getting married. Then drove back to camp safely, even made it back a little early and had a constructive conversation with some blokes at the dry mess.

Then today I was invited out to dinner for next week by a couple of workmates. I has also planning to catch up with another person I used to work with that day, so I might even have a full social calendar when I get back home (if only for a day). Tomorrow I’m going to start training in a piece of scheduling software that I’ve been trying to get my hands on for weeks.

 

Sometimes you just need to put a positive spin on things. Deep down I still feel like I want sympathy from somebody, but I know I’m not going to get it and I’m just being selfish. I find it hard when I’ve got no good reason for feeling sad but I want to feel sad all the same. The thing that really set me off tonight was the fact that it’s a Friday night and I’m drinking all by myself, completely cut off from everybody that actually knows who I am. The fact that while I’m checking Facebook for messages that will never come other people are getting on with their lives.

I don’t know what brought me back tonight. I wish I did.

1 Comment
  1. anniefort 14 years ago

    it is hard when you feel sad and there is really no specific reason to feel that way. i find the worst part is trying to explain that to people that don't know what it is like……………….but drinking alone is the pitts, and really doesn't make you feel better. hang in, i for one understand

     

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