It's 740 am. I've been up since like 2 am. I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep. I slept for about 36/the last 48 hours prior though so I guess it evens out? This has been my routine lately. It sucks. I hate it. I know I am depressed. I don't want to see a therapist or start taking medication, because I am afraid that 1) medication will make me worse and 2) it will jump start a relapse. I want to beat this on my own.. Stubborn. I'm also afraid to put all of my issues out on the table for some random person that doesn't even know me so they can psychoanalyze it and piss me off because they get it wrong, or just act like most douchey self important therapists do. I hate the way they just watch you and write down their observations in a little private notebook and poke and prod and try to get a reaction. I feel like a goddamn animal in a research facility when I talk to therapists. The thought makes me cringe. My life isn't going anywhere. I don't really have any goals or plans for the future. I'm stuck in poverty hell trying to raise a kid on my own. I try to put on a happy face for my daughter but it's so hard. She is a huge reason why I fight though. I love that girl so much. She is such an amazing little human. I have to change. I have to do something because what I am doing right now isn't working. I have been craving heroin so badly lately, I haven't been sober for this long since I started doing it 10 years ago. I'm nervous. I'm glad that I have cut out all of the people that I used to know who did drugs and shit out of my life. If I left even a shred of a trail to heroin I would be back on it again by now. Another shitty thing about addiction is feeling like you need to isolate yourself to avoid any chance of coming across someone who does heroin or something similar and relapsing. This sucks so fucking much.

2 Comments
  1. henderson 6 years ago

    Hey, Reading this I was thinking you must actually have goals.  Maybe old goals you gave up on, or goals you don't want to admit to because you're afraid you won't achieve them.  Or even goals you could come up with if you got in touch with a part of yourself you are cut off from now.  And one goal you clearly have is to raise your daughter into a happy, healthy, optimistic young woman.  So you have the goal of being the best possible parent you can be–and that can be broken down into lots of little goals you could work towards on a daily basis.  You are clearly a strong person–you got yourself sober, you work, you are raising a child alone.  Give yourself a lot of credit for inner strength.  Even if you don't feel strong, you obviously are.  Small steps towards defining and then starting to work towards some goals would surely lift your spirits.  I little momentum goes a long way.  

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  2. Gemini85 5 years ago

    I've been sober for only 2 weeks. You've posted in July. How's it going? I'm a single mom too. Hope you're ok. 

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