It's 740 am. I've been up since like 2 am. I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep. I slept for about 36/the last 48 hours prior though so I guess it evens out? This has been my routine lately. It sucks. I hate it. I know I am depressed. I don't want to see a therapist or start taking medication, because I am afraid that 1) medication will make me worse and 2) it will jump start a relapse. I want to beat this on my own.. Stubborn. I'm also afraid to put all of my issues out on the table for some random person that doesn't even know me so they can psychoanalyze it and piss me off because they get it wrong, or just act like most douchey self important therapists do. I hate the way they just watch you and write down their observations in a little private notebook and poke and prod and try to get a reaction. I feel like a goddamn animal in a research facility when I talk to therapists. The thought makes me cringe. My life isn't going anywhere. I don't really have any goals or plans for the future. I'm stuck in poverty hell trying to raise a kid on my own. I try to put on a happy face for my daughter but it's so hard. She is a huge reason why I fight though. I love that girl so much. She is such an amazing little human. I have to change. I have to do something because what I am doing right now isn't working. I have been craving heroin so badly lately, I haven't been sober for this long since I started doing it 10 years ago. I'm nervous. I'm glad that I have cut out all of the people that I used to know who did drugs and shit out of my life. If I left even a shred of a trail to heroin I would be back on it again by now. Another shitty thing about addiction is feeling like you need to isolate yourself to avoid any chance of coming across someone who does heroin or something similar and relapsing. This sucks so fucking much.