Came out the other side of the World Cup with quite a bit of anxiety and magical thinking going on, but nothing drastic. I cried for the first time in front of my therapist, after a few months of seeing her, because I tried to talk a little about the Nazi-obsession. It's really, really powerful, and it churns up a whole mess of ugly feelings. Lots of shame, fear, guilt, self-loathing, and despair. We'll be starting ERP soon and I'm quailing to think what on earth the exposure for that obsession is going to be. Since I live very near DC, I have a sinking feeling it's going to involve a certain museum (ahh, it's so bad, I can't even say the word. Shame on me). Oh man, this is gonna suck. I've been there before, twice actually, but the thought of going there and maximizing my anxiety without using any rituals is terrifying!

 

There will probably also be exposure involving riding in cars and on public transportation, and perhaps interacting with strangers and going outside on my own. And not doing my superstitions and bad-luck-warding rituals. (Haha, little does she know, I'm already wearing a protection charm inked into my skin… perhaps another one soon, to make me permanently extra safe, without having to resort to magical thinking and compulsive behavior?) Probably also doing things like helping to bathe my sister and hugging my brother without letting myself freak out.

 

I sense quite a lot of "interesting" things in my future. Hopefully it'll be just a few tears… Unless she tries to get me to drive a car (godsforbid), in which case there will be crying, vomiting, heart palpitations, and hyperventilation. I don't care, they can make me do anything they want, I am NOT getting behind the wheel! Agggh, my pulse is spiking and cold sweat is running just thinking about it… 🙁

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