This is my first time posting a blog on here. I hope this proves to be a useful tool.
I don't know how to begin. I have POCD, or pedophilia OCD. It started about a month, month and a half ago. I discovered that my sister had been molested by my grandfather. I knew that he had molested her, but not to that extent. I have some cousins that I am very close to, and that's how the thoughts started: involving them. I love them all dearly and would rather die than hurt them in any way, which leads to the next part.
How do you begin to tell someone "Help, I think I may be turning into a pedophile," even though the thoughts aren't arousing but causea severe state of panic? How do you explain to someone that these thoughts do not excite you but instead fill you with a sense of horrible dread? I would obsess over these thoughts day and night. I would painfully bring them up to test myself. My brain would projecthorrible images and thoughts and I could do nothing to control them. I was literally fighting my brain for control of my thoughts. The only peace I had was when I slept, because then I didn't necessarily have to fight. I yelled at my brain to stop, no I didn't want to see those things, to leave me be. I came up with a suicide plan to not only stop the thoughts, but to stop them from ever coming to fruition.
I also became housebound. The sight of a child, even on television, would send me into a high state of anxiety, to the point where I would have to hide in my room and cry. At one point I almost shat myself from the fear. I prayed for death, I begged for it, for a release from the misery.
I finally got around to seeing my therapist. I threw up my words andfelt so relieved to get it all out. I told her I was willing to do anything to stop me from becoming like my grandfather, because no matter how much the thoughts pained me, that fear was first and foremost in my mind. That I would become like him and hurt someone that never even came close to deserving it. Voluntary sterilization, insane asylum, anything…because, once again, no matter how much anxiety the thoughts caused, I was convinced I was becoming a pedophile because of their presence.
After a long night in the ER, I was referred to a psychotherapist. I went to his office and, once again, word vomited. I cried and begged. I pleaded. Anything to make it all stop. I was sent to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, and there I waited, convinced I was becoming a monster. It would be the next afternoon before I saw the doctor. Information and feelings came readily, what I was thinking, how I felt about them, what had happened. To me there was no point in holding back, I wanted a solution. I wanted to get fixed.
The people at the psych ward were absolute angels. I was so afraid that they would deny me, turn me in to the police, or something worse, because of the thoughts. Then they calmed me down and explained to me what this was and what was happening to me. That I wasn't alone. They put me on medication to even me out, and here I am. Still alive, still with my loving family, husband, and dog.
I have good days and bad. Sometimes I'm still very scared of the future. My biggest fear is that one day I'll lose control of myself and accidentally touch a child. That thought alone, even as I'm typing this, sends me into a panic. My therapist said there's no way possible I'd ever do anything because I'm so scared of it.
This is a mental disease. This POCD, as with all OCD, sends logic right out the window. It feels like your brain has betrayed you and is holding you hostage with some kind of mental blackmail. I am slowly working on regaining myself though. I can almost hear my brain say "Curses! Foiled Again!" when I do have a really good day.
I don't know if the fear of children will ever go away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not panic when I'm around children that are family members, and that hurts the most. But I am working on this, and with some time, hopefully I'll get better.
Thank you all.