This is my first time posting a blog on here. I hope this proves to be a useful tool.

I don't know how to begin. I have POCD, or pedophilia OCD. It started about a month, month and a half ago. I discovered that my sister had been molested by my grandfather. I knew that he had molested her, but not to that extent. I have some cousins that I am very close to, and that's how the thoughts started: involving them. I love them all dearly and would rather die than hurt them in any way, which leads to the next part.

How do you begin to tell someone "Help, I think I may be turning into a pedophile," even though the thoughts aren't arousing but causea severe state of panic? How do you explain to someone that these thoughts do not excite you but instead fill you with a sense of horrible dread? I would obsess over these thoughts day and night. I would painfully bring them up to test myself. My brain would projecthorrible images and thoughts and I could do nothing to control them. I was literally fighting my brain for control of my thoughts. The only peace I had was when I slept, because then I didn't necessarily have to fight. I yelled at my brain to stop, no I didn't want to see those things, to leave me be. I came up with a suicide plan to not only stop the thoughts, but to stop them from ever coming to fruition.

I also became housebound. The sight of a child, even on television, would send me into a high state of anxiety, to the point where I would have to hide in my room and cry. At one point I almost shat myself from the fear. I prayed for death, I begged for it, for a release from the misery.

I finally got around to seeing my therapist. I threw up my words andfelt so relieved to get it all out. I told her I was willing to do anything to stop me from becoming like my grandfather, because no matter how much the thoughts pained me, that fear was first and foremost in my mind. That I would become like him and hurt someone that never even came close to deserving it. Voluntary sterilization, insane asylum, anything…because, once again, no matter how much anxiety the thoughts caused, I was convinced I was becoming a pedophile because of their presence.

After a long night in the ER, I was referred to a psychotherapist. I went to his office and, once again, word vomited. I cried and begged. I pleaded. Anything to make it all stop. I was sent to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, and there I waited, convinced I was becoming a monster. It would be the next afternoon before I saw the doctor. Information and feelings came readily, what I was thinking, how I felt about them, what had happened. To me there was no point in holding back, I wanted a solution. I wanted to get fixed.

The people at the psych ward were absolute angels. I was so afraid that they would deny me, turn me in to the police, or something worse, because of the thoughts. Then they calmed me down and explained to me what this was and what was happening to me. That I wasn't alone. They put me on medication to even me out, and here I am. Still alive, still with my loving family, husband, and dog.

I have good days and bad. Sometimes I'm still very scared of the future. My biggest fear is that one day I'll lose control of myself and accidentally touch a child. That thought alone, even as I'm typing this, sends me into a panic. My therapist said there's no way possible I'd ever do anything because I'm so scared of it.

This is a mental disease. This POCD, as with all OCD, sends logic right out the window. It feels like your brain has betrayed you and is holding you hostage with some kind of mental blackmail. I am slowly working on regaining myself though. I can almost hear my brain say "Curses! Foiled Again!" when I do have a really good day.

I don't know if the fear of children will ever go away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not panic when I'm around children that are family members, and that hurts the most. But I am working on this, and with some time, hopefully I'll get better.

Thank you all.

5 Comments
  1. her_ocd 8 years ago

    Just remember "you are NOT your brain". Also very important to label unwanted thoughts/feelings as OCD and not your own. Feelings/thoughts are NOT facts. Best Wishes!

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  2. MEandOCD 8 years ago

    oh hun….I am so sorry. For me the pedo OCD symptom is the hardest. I had it whe I had postpartum OCD and I actually did intend to kill myself. Like you my grandfather was a pedo and he molested my mom and aunt. It terrified me because  thought I was going to be like him. Thankfully my symptoms changed but sometimes I will still get a disgusting random intrusive thought. I hate it. The main thing you have to rememebr is that OCD intrusive thoughts are just that, intrusive. Not something that is indicative of who you are or what you want. It is not who you are or what you are capable of. You are not what the OCD tries to show you. ANother way to look at it is that pedo's like what they do. They dont agonize over it the way an OCD sufferer who doesnt want these thoughts does. My main rule is that if it upsets you, you will not do it and are not what the OCD tries to tel you , you are. Medicine helped me with this symptoms because I could not do it on my own. Are you on any meds for this? And just so you know, pedo OCD is not uncommon. Many of us are too terrified to discuss the struggle and horror we go through. But there are many of us that either have had this or continue to still have it. Hang in there.

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  3. MEandOCD 8 years ago

     would like to add further that you being open about it makes you extremely brave and exceptionally strong. Of all of the OCD symptoms I believe this is one least discussed and understood. We are so terrified of it we tend to not share that this is a symptom and it is terrfying. We often times are more comfortable talking about many of the other ones. I wonder if the pedo fears happen more to people that actually have pedos in the family? Because we know how it devastates children and families maybe it makes it more scarier to us. Because we are more aware of pedo behaviors. OCD only shows you things you are terrified and to us what could be more terrifying than hurting innocent people like our grandfathers did? It's a thought anyway. Don't beat yourself up, or try not to. This isn't you. This isn't your fault.

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  4. laurzaffle 8 years ago

    I hope you are feeling well. You are really brave for posting your story and I can relate to what you are going through. You will get better you will overcome this obstacle, you seem to be a very strong person.

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  5. idontknow 8 years ago

    Thank you guys for commenting. If I would hug you all I could. I've talked to some other people, and it seems to happen a lot to young women that are rither very close to their family, like cousins, nieces, nephews, etc., or with children. I think all of us are brave for being here and willing to share and support. I am getting better, through therapy and mindfulness and medication. The thoughts are still there, but definitely not as frequent. When it was going on I would try to stay asleep just to block out the thoughts, but now I have a regular sleep schedule.

     

    You are all beautiful and wonderful people. This is something that happened to us, not something we made happen.

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