i know i will be the most hated person on here but hey thats what i desearve so give it to me straight sorry about spelling ect i am medicated up and full of vodka……..

i have been maried for 33 years and yes i do love my husband ,,,,,,but with loads of shit that has happened in my life i needed more love 8 years ago i guy i have loved since i was 15 (now 52) came back into my life and we have had the most wonderful life i ever dreamed of

in that time i still had my depression and had OD 5 times for different reasons ,,,,,,all this time my husband has been wonderful and supported me which made things so much worse for me with the guilt towards him

the other guy said he could nt leave his wife and daughter (21 years old ) as they too had mental health issues and would nt be able to cope without him and at least i had my husband that loved me …..so blindly i carried on …..7 weeks ago he got found out …one thing to say here is he told me he had no marrige for at least 17 years they were like friends as i would never knowingly split a marriage up   (i hear you laugh !!!!)

he phoned and just said its over

2 hours later i was in hos after taking massive OD stayed in for 2 days was ment to go to mental hos but no beds

i had no contact from him so as far as he knew i was dead

i mail ed …texed////called to see if he was ok

i went to his house and he met me to say it was over but would contact me the next week to see if she had thrown him out as i said i would stay with him

he never did………..i have lived in the deepest hell for 6 weeks no work …no food….no sleep….no fluid….

in the end i knew i had to tell my husband and lose everything as i could nt have the guilt of him caring for me and not knowing what was wrong …..i called the other party to tell them i wasa telling my husband as he might go over to his house as he would know straight away who he was …..he then told me he never had loved me….all the stuff he told me was because he knew thats what i wanted to hear and he could nt fininsh with me cause i was blackmailing him with my illness

i died there and then ,,,,,,,,,i told my husband,,,,,,,,,god knows why but he wants to try again and in a way so do i ……but i have lost all the will to live i dont even want to kill myself as i feel i need to take all the pain that is given to me and to live in this life of hell forever as a punishment ….death would be far to an easy way out for me ……i hate this guy but oh my god i still love him too !!!!!

i am seeing my consultant 2 morrow (he knows all about it and i know i will be put on more meds )

i have nt got out of bed for 4 days and i have lost the will to live should i end it all now to save evryone eles pain ?????