I know in my head that I should be feeling something, but I don't! Apathy I think is what it is called an absence of emotion or enthusiasm the inability to feel.
I don't know if it is because as I sat there holding her hand and watching her slowly fade away, I knew I couldn't cry in front of them, so I stuffed it all. Or if I am just a cold hearted Bitch and it all really doesn't mean anything and it's life as usual and it really was an act.
Could everything that people say about me be true? Am I really just a person who acts for attention, do I do what I do for me or for the ones I do it for?
Again I ask what did I get out of it? Do I even believe it is real. I think that perhaps since they would not let me see her go, then I do not truly believe she is gone. I mean how can you really be talking to a person one day and the next she be dead? And for them to not have time?? What is all that about? Not have time to go pick your mom up from a crematorium? UMM hello? What is more important?
That is how I see it now, me and them. It will forever be a "them" to me. I used to see it as an "us" but it is a them. I did not only loose an ex mother-in-law, whom I was not very close to but that I cared for deeply, but now I have lost the only "family" I had in this state.
I love this state!! I don't want to leave it for anything, but it gets harder and harder to stay. No support, no family, one friend (very good, dear friend, but just 1).
I want to feel something. I would even take depression over feeling nothing. It is empty, and lonely when there is no feeling. There is no anger, or joy, nor sorrow, or pain. Nothing! Emptiness where something belongs. What do I do?
I wish someone even from inside myself would fill this empty void and let me know what to do. Give me an emotion to hold on to. Something to understand. Why does it all seem so unreal to me? Why does reality seem like dream and dream more like reality? And if that is the case can I just go to sleep for a little while and not have to face this world until reality doesn't have to be so full of pain, or be scary, or hurt, or be full of memories, or any crap? Yeah I know the answer to the last question but it doesn't hurt to ask.
Emptiness invades my soul.
It takes my hand, it takes control
It leads me down where I can't roar
It lays there inside my core
It holds on fast not letting go
Emptiness why is it so?
It sucks to have so much to say and not really be able to say it the way you want to. It gets stuck inside me just like the emptiness. Nice things happen to me, but the Joy, the Joy is not there. It should be! And the anger I should feel for not feeling the Joy, where is that? the cycle it is broken, maybe that is it… Maybe I am broken.
If I am broken then how can I get fixed? I don't believe it is going to be from sitting in a chair for 45 mins once a week, tell me what to do, how to fix it, I didn't get broken on my own, so why do I have to fix it on my own? I have to live my daily life. Right? Why?? can someone answer that please? Go through the motions to get through another day to fill the expectations of another person? That is life?
Are these questions anyone can answer? Please I need answers, and I need help. I know that God can fill the emptiness… why doesn't HE?
