With histrionic personality disorder and tendencies toward borderline personality disorder…

 Just hearing the name I didn't think I would fit the bill until my doc explained to me that was what was wrong with me. On top of that he made note of my smoking addiction, caffeine addiction (which I didn't see as a problem), bulimia and narcissistic tendencies. The bulimia and narcissism being related to the Histrionic disorder. It was so funny how he explained that I showed about 80% of symptoms from both the disorders and it was difficult to classify me with one or the other. But as far as I can remember I have always had suicidal tendencies and tendencies to hurt myself. I guess I've just always been fucked up. Anger and rage come with the borderline personality disorder. So now that they have identified the problem the only question is treatment. Both were explained as taking many many years of treatment which is reasonable because treating a mental disorder is sort of like dieting. You get rid of all the excess shit too fast and it's too good to be true because it can come back just as fast if not faster and with a vengeance. All I have to do is just have patience and work with the flow. Now that I have been diagosed the question that lies if I'll ever recover. Since I have never really been treated before other than medically, I think it's going to be really hard to just talk about it with someone else. Any time I was depressed or showed signs of a mental disorder it was nothing more than a march to the family physician and a request for prozac, xanex or whatever. I remember being 9 and trying to poison myself, 11 trying to hang myself and of course the infamous 16 when I tried to OD on certain meds. Hell, even now I try to OD on aspirin just to see if I the more I take the more it will calm the pain within. I would say luckily I haven't cut myself in a while and that the scars are now healing but the last time I said that something happened and I cut myself… but since I said it already oh well. Whatever happens happens.

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