Just when you think life couldn't throw anything else at you, it simply does.
I'm 23, single, 30 weeks pregnant and I feel like I have ruined and f**ked up my entire life.
I don't want to be here no more, I am only hanging on for my unborn daughter – I love her like nothing in the world and she isn't even here yet. I never thought I would feel this way, but I do. Right now, if I wasn't for her, I would not be here and I genuinely believe that.
The babys dad, who is someone I vaguely know is wanting to take me to court for 50/50 access. This makes me feel awful. I barely know the guy, he speaks to me like he is better than me and that nothing I say or think is valid because I'm "on meds" "or pregnant" or simply because he clearly thinks what he thinks is right. Twat. This kills me, I don't want to be handing over my newborn daughter to him, I said we would work something out when she is born and said how about access every 2 weeks or something, however that's not good enough, he said that I am talking to him like he doesn't know his rights and that he is going for Joint custody.
He can dream on.
My family are shit stirring to say the least, I asked my cousin if she would stay with me around my due date, mum said I should ask someone like her cause I don't want to be alone. Anyway, she was happy and told her mum that my mum said she has to move in with me for a month, so her mum has started kicking off saying that my mum is in the wrong for asking her to give up her time for that ect. It's just so petty, it gets worse, but I won't go on.
My tooth is broken, I don't have dentist for another 2 weeks. I think they will just pull it all out, I don't want this.
Saw my Psychiatrist today, she has refered me to the perinatal team (for people with mental health difficulties during pregnancy) and wants me to be admitted to a mother and baby unit when the baby is born, so that we are both okay and I guess so I don't harm the baby. I never will do such a thing, but I guess it's better to be safe than sorry.
I can't stop thinking about death, how I'm going to die someday and people will see me dead and how my mum will die one day and my dog ect, it feels so intense that I just want everything to be over.
Anyway, that's just a fraction of what I'm going through, never mind the fact that I can't find a place to live and I am almost due!!