it's funny, i never had anything to blog at all on any other site and then here i keep feeling like rattling on, i think because i know that if anyone bothers to read it they won't judge it, or send me a message going, 'vrinda…um…are you okay??'  it's nice 🙂

so this is talking about certain bands, but really it's more about states of mind: 

i was just thinking too much on the train to work this morning, thinking about how george really doesn't like depeche mode, and i always have, but he does like pet shop boys, who have been my ultimate favourite since the age of 12 – and i found it funny because when i was living in arizona, it was the opposite, i think because there was a lot of closed-mindedness around me, people always thought i was a bit of a 'freak', i got nicknamed 'psycho woman' when i was 11 for things that, now, i know were ocd, and the name stuck for about 3 years, sometimes goodnaturedly and sometimes really nastily, some of the time i felt amused by it, some i felt angry, eventually it was like 'you're still on about that?  can't you get over it?  why does it even matter to you???' and i actually had friends' mothers ban them from spending time with me because they thought i was a bad influence, because my parents were djs/dance musicians, we didn't have much money, i wasn't christian, i was vegetarian, and i was a compulsive talker who didn't seem to know when to stop about things and made a lot of weird movements/sounds and just all-in-all really stood out and didn't make much sense to a lot of people, and one friend's mother there actually wouldn't allow my friend to be hearing pet shop boys cds because the band is gay, but DM were absolutely fine – i was the only person in az, it seemed, who liked PSB at all and the radio stations got to know me by voice when i called because i was obsessionally calling to request them, determined to change the face of the az music scene!!!  (sometimes i miss the strange goals i had when i was a kid 🙂 )  back then, over there, it seemed it was more acceptable to love a band made up of straight men who were clearly depressed and suffered from alcoholism and heroin addictions (DM) than a band (PSB) of a couple of gay men who don't even smoke cigarettes.

so i was telling george, it's interesting how then i come here and i never hear anything about DM anymore but PSB are all over tv when they have something new out, and george and one of our friends even like them, it's not something i'm used to, so what is the reason he dislikes DM so much? and he said it's because DM sound so heavy and gloomy to him, and PSB sound like they have their darkness but generally they're very full of life.

so i'm there thinking about it, and thinking i know what he means, because that's why i didn't like the last DM album, because i felt like, you're almost 50 now, it's depressing the way you haven't actually progressed emotionally, and i don't like the thought of spending that much of your life stuck in that state of mind, it's terrifying, i don't want it for myself, i have been in proper depression before, it's so tempting to slip back into it sometimes, but i just don't want to, because i remember how much i HATED it!!!  whereas PSB, it's like…they're the only musicians i would ever, personally, follow as role models, simply because i love that they're just a couple of totally normal people who have had their fair share of heartache, pain, sadness, bullying, etc. and you can hear it in the music, you can hear that 'darkness' george mentioned, but ultimately they always reflect this huge feeling of optimism, like: okay, life is hard, yes, and you shouldn't repress your feelings, but don't let it crush you – shed whatever tears you have to shed, then wash your face and go back out and enjoy life again!  and i think that's a really beautiful, inspirational message – especially since i can see the way they've got more optimistic, more comfortable with life and themselves as they've grown older and made each new album, and that really gives me hope that, if you allow it to, life just gets better with time.