It’s been a long time since I’ve come to this site, and I’m glad I came back to it. A lot has happened to me since-number one change being I started my transition from female to male. All kinds of emotions have riddled my body, and I’m trying to recover. I’ve gone through a break up with a person who made a place in my heart, but due to certain reasons we can’t seem to get along. My dog had a tumor in his leg and, my parents deciding not to amputate it, had to be put down this summer, and I did not get to see him before he passed. He had been with me through such tough times, and no matter what I looked like, he always knew it was me and loved me. Taking testosterone has changed my sexual orientation from liking only women to liking men as well, but I still seem to have this incredible need to be nutured and loved by a woman. I’m connecting it back to the separation of myself from my grandma when I was little, and the void that was never filled by my own mother for an intense need of love and bonding. I still need it today, and find it alienates the women I try to become close to. My parents are not able to deal with my male identity or the transition, my sister won’t talk about it either, but the rest of my family is supportive. I only wish they didn’t live 13 hours away. There is one family friend I miss talking to, but because my voice and face has changed, and she is very old and frail, it has been explained to me that it would be best not to tell her about my transition. I plan to write her a letter just to say hello and to let her know I am thinking of her. She recently celebrated her 95th birthday! I am trying to be independent and figure out how to be strong on my own, but right now all I want is to curl up to a woman and be held. Looking on the personal ads, a lot of women hold certain standards for men. A few being that he be strong, self-assured and make a lot of money. As a new man, I find this task daunting. I am an extremely sensitive person, although sometimes I forget that others are the same way and don’t give them the compassion they deserve. People seem to be so hell bent on finding someone who knows everything about themselves and is completely put together…solid like a rock. These expectations make me ill. After suffering from severe depression and experiencing tremendous highs and lows, I made the decision to withdraw from all of my classes at the university. I had no ambition or desire to go to class, and I lost every ounce of interest in the subject of journalism. I haven’t been able to find a job, but have posted online services offering pet sitting. I plan on registering for classes this week; classes that I find interesting like women’s studies, philosophy and psychology. Without realizing, I managed to make a lot of fairweather friends who are 7 or 8 years younger than me, and that has left me quite alone. I hope to find good friends that I can hold dear to my heart, and achieve balance and peace and relaxation. I don’t know how, but I’m working on it.

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    You story made me a little sad.  Not the sex change.  The famolu support which is far away and an important other who holds you dearer than anything else.  Made me sad.  A universal need , but when does it really happen and when it does, how much comfort is really there.  Yours sadly

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  2. kizeemimi 12 years ago

    I am very sorry for the hard stuff you’ve been going though. I really hope you find the support you need. Please let me know if you ever need to talk. Also, be proud of yourself for being strong enough to be accept and be your true self. Not everyone can do that. I hope your family comes around soon.

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  3. thewillow 12 years ago

     I am proud of you and admire you for your strength through this journey. May peace be with you. *hugs*

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