I'm not sure what to post about as I'm not very good at articulating my mood or my absolute thought(s) at times. However, from what I can tell by taking a 3 and a half second glance at this site, it seems as a nice forum to post on. I would like to submit blogs anon, because I believe I fear criticism and ridicule. I don't know. And in this moment, I feel as if when I post anything (this included) I may come across as a mere introvert who complains about things about myself and my life that I can fix–I just don't know how. I'm not sure about anything anymore; I'm not sure if what I feel is actual feeling or a unconscious reach for attention and consideration; I'm not sure if I'm truly a undeveloped individual who attempts to communicate with others in a sophisticated, intelligent way; I'm not sure if the people I encounter on a daily basis are looking right through me, as if I'm transparent–I'm unsure if I'm truly here; and I'm not sure if I am so self indulgent with my own self-prescribed alienation that I have lost all touch with reality and the time I exist within. When I ponder piles of information I believe I sort of grasp, I then immediately lose confidence in what I am actually thinking, and if it's senseless babble or a smothered perspective that I wish to share with others. But for some reason I cannot. I'm uncertain if I am merely posing as a misunderstood individual with a severe problem, and who is plagued with glorious fantasies of suicide all the while fantasizing about what others may think of me; what they will have to say after the cut of my existence, or if I'm basing all of these thought processes off of my long dead heros who have been believed to suffer from similar symptoms. I guess. And I'm also unsure if this is a format for which I can share my jumbled, non-sensical thoughts and ideas with others who in which can turn out to be life long friends, companions, and trustees.
I am shallow, uncertain, filled with an empty bowl of confidence that could be there, but is refused in favor of a life of some how adopted solitude. I am angry, stubborn and lost in a sea of whatever, and it feels so shitty. Where am I anymore, and where will I go? I have no fucking clue.