Literally..

i can't beleive today has happend. it still feels like a dream, im so lucky to be sat here typing this now. Because at midnight last night i took an overdose on paracetamol, woke up in the morning in a creasing pain! Rang my counseller to check if i was seeing her today, she said yes of course. which made me feel even more stupid! so i paniked and got myself, except this time i went alot deeper than i should of, cut my wrist so badly, it tore my skin and i saw blood pouring out :'( im not good with blood. so i was SHOCKED beyond beleif at what id done..grabbed my mums kitchen dishcloth to try to hold it in. Rang my counseller again in complete distress mode! She was lovely she walked down the road to my house and helped me out of the side gate from my house, i didn't have the strength to find my keys and unlock the front door! so i grabbed the gate key and ran out the back door! I sat on the floor next to the gate gasping for breath and she came running across the driveway,..sounds like a dream now right? i tried to hand her the key but she couldnt see doing it backwards so i had to push it in with my shaky hand. we speed walked down to the mental health home and i was told straight away i needd stitches, so my counseller drove me to the hospital and told them what had happend! I walked out of the waiting room having a panic attack because there was too many people in there. luckily we found a bench just outside and i got examined soon after. They took a few tests then sent me in an ambulance to the A&E hospital 25 minutes away! My counseller had asked to phone my mum, i'd said yes because i know i'd left the kitchen in a bloody state..I expected her to freak out when she came to see me in A&E but she didn't she just sat there and cried! I cried too, i've never had a relationship with my mum before, but this made that opening a little bit easier. She apologised for being a bad mother and how its all her fault. i said no no i blame myself..viscious circle. Anyway i had a few blood tests done and my wrist/arm got stitched up 🙁 i sat on my bed feeling very distressed for a while as she went to get the equipment! Anyway after a few hours they moved my bed to another ward, where i saw apsychiatrist for a while. I basicly told her everything i told my counseller, now she's going to tell my counseller? whats the point in that??! URGH. i'm very fed up and feeling very sorry for myself. i dont ever ever plan on ending upin that state again :'( my first trip to hospital wasn't the kindest, i lay there angry and crying most of it, 10 long hours of bored/panic/distress and worry!!!

thank you to my counseller for coming to my house and saving my life…………

<3