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Ahhhhh….. terrible incidents of humiliation from the last 24 hours festering within me…. festering, distorting, exaggerating…. embedded like permanent parasites.   I can’t handle the holidays.  I can’t handle the winter.

 

Opening a pull-off bottle of tequila, and a good portion of it goes spewing out of the bottle and onto the landing of the stairs.  Mess and stench abound.

Me:  "ooohhhh shit, I’m a terrible person!"

x:  "ehhh, that’s life, hahahaha!" (in other words, no big deal)

y:  "nooo, you’re a good person!"

In my brain:  "whyyyyy must I always retort with a self-depreciating statement, even in the most mild of oops-incidents? so now person Y, who I have an overwhelming crush on, thinks I’m really unstable"


A bit later on, attempting to make small-talk w/ some dude who I thought was someone else… I thought he was the boyfriend of the hostess (they look nearly identical), thus..

Me:  "ahhh, yes, I think we’ve met briefly.. you’re *Josh, right?

Guy:  "Josh? What, No! I’m *Nate!"

Me:  (in the midst of giving him a limp-ass handshake) ooohhh…. (and kind of walked away w/ my tail between my legs as usual).

 

I don’t really feel like re-iterating any more events of last night.  The bottom line is, I don’t belong anywhere.  Nothing feels comfortable.  Nothing feels right.  I’ll never fall in love.  I’ll never find myself.  Last night just confirmed what is my strongest conviction to begin with:  I can’t handle, I can’t maintain, I can’t function, I can’t just go out and have a good time.  So I should just never leave my fucking house and shut the fuck up about it, instead of humiliating myself every time I go out and feeling even worse.  You see, the way it works is that I’m generally always depressed and feel horrible about myself.  But going out generally gives me anxiety attacks, which also makes me feel humiliated and horrible about my existence, always magnifying the negative… hence an afermath of inconsolable depression anyway.  So, it’s like, what do I prefer? Constant depression, or anxiety folllowed by depression? Decisions, decisions… I can’t live like this anymore.  I’ve had a pretty bad spell for the past month I think.  I haven’t felt happy in a while.  I’m attracted to someone who is completely and utterly intangible.  My boyfriend is in love w/ someone I can’t even remotely compete with.

I’m such a stupid useless piece of shit.  I can’t experience happiness and joy for quite some time now.  Everything stresses me out.  Everything is full of negative overtones.  Everything feels like a downward spiral.  Everything is like slowly coming down from long ago’s peak and I’ll never reach the high-water mark ever again.

Bye.

1 Comment
  1. rach_b 11 years ago

    I can relate to what you are saying and experiencing right now mindseye…  I get like this every winter / christmas time. Are you getting any help? are you on any meds? If ya wanna chat at all… add me x

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