I do have a pretty good insight to my issues, my faults, my strengths, etc… Yes I am better at helping others than leaning on them. Yes I am better at helping than I am at asking for help. Yes, when I ask for help it is usually something you have to read between the lines to get. I have a nearly impossible time being crazy plain about needing help. Yes I take a long time to get to know because trusting someone with who I am does not come easy. Yes I tend to see a lot better off and a lot more confident than I really am. Yes I do always and will always place the needs of a beloved friend ahead of my own.
I do realize that some of those things are both good and bad. I know those things tend to get me in trouble an awful lot. Yes I realize that isnt probably the healthiest way to be. That is who I am though. I am trying to learn to take care of myself, to love myself and to put myself somewhere on the list of people to care about. However, that is who I am now. I cant change over night. There seems to be a lot of people who are anxious to be my friend and be in my life once I take care of a few of those things. Not so many willing to accept me as who I am. I do realize that it is harder to get to know me and be close to me than it is other people. I do feel bad about that but there isnt anything I can do to change that quickly.
For the past month or so the thought that perhaps I do more harm to myself and others in trying to reach out and connect keeps floating in the back of my mind. Its been getting stronger and more insistent. Perhaps I need to take a closer look at the last quality about myself that I listed, the one about putting people I care about first. Perhaps I need to do that in this case and take myself out of the "human interaction" population until I am better able to play by the rules that everyone else does. Until I am better at being obvious when I need help. Until I am better at opening up and trusting as people expect. Until I am actually as confident and strong as people think I am.
I suggested this to a former friend whom I adore and who knows me better than anyone else on earth. She did not really comment. She sort of stopped talking in the middle of our conversation so I am taking that as her agreement that I should indeed back away from connecting with people until I am able to do it the way the rest of the world expects. So as not to hurt myself and others.
Its hard for me to decide things I am finding since I have nobody to really discuss things with most of the time. However I am 99% convinced that this is something I need to do. I dont know yet if I should delete this account (idk how by the way) or just try to be strong enough to not use it. I really doubt that I am strong enough. I already deleted many people who used to consider me friends from my phone. Many of whom havent talked to me in months or years. The ones who have talked to me in the last 3 months I did at least say bye and apologize to them. LoL Funny but I havent gotten a response yet. Guess another sign its the right thing to do!!!
I guess I wanted to feel that there was somewhere these thoughts could go and someone would hear them. So I thank you for reading.