Last night I sat at the edge of my bed and debated wether or not to take an antidepressant. My girlfriend had woken up, scootched in behind me, and wrapped her arms around my neck. it made me feel better and I relaxed a bit. She asked me what I was thinking about and I told her "…Stuff…"
"Case?" She asked
"Do you love me?" As she asked that her arms turned into a chokehold (not literally) and I was trapped.
I Imediately stuttered "Of course, I do."
"Case…" She trailed, I was having trouble breathing "Do you love me?" After a long pause all I could muster was a muffled "Uhh-hh…"
She pushed me off the edge of the bed and said something along the lines of "Why can't you? Why can't you just love me? I can't be your wife and you know that! (My wife passed away a couple years ago.)" I opened my apartment door and just walked out. I walked downstairs, out into the street. It was pouring rain. I was so blank with emotions, I didn't feel anything. I went into a CVS and bought a pack of smokes and a lighter for myself. I went back out into the rain and found myself later at a motel. I had smoked three cigarettes. I rented a room with cash.
Later at about 3:00am I ordered a cheeseburger from room service. An old guy came about forty five minutes later and handed me a platter. I looked at it and looked at the old man. "Is there something missing, sir?" He asked me. I assured him the cheese burger was perfect. I paid him and took the cheeseburger inside…I rested the platter on my chest and stared up at the ceiling. I thought of my wife and started to cry for the first time in a while.
"Jesus C. What am I -ing doing?" I asked myself as I lay there.
My phone went off saying "Case, it's okay. I'm sorry." I didn't respond to it, I should be the one saying sorry for living a lie with her. Diluting both of us into thinking it could go somewhere, while I'm still not over m wife. I'm too much of a chicken to say that though. Too proud.
Then I wrote this blog. I still don't even know what a -blog- is.