Maybe for my first blog I should talk about myself or write somthing terribly interesting, but right this moment I just need an outlet. Just a stream of consciousness type post because everything is getting overwhelming in my head right now and its driving me crazy. I feel angry, sad, lonely, and confused becuase I have no idea why I feel this way. I never used to get stuck in these emotional ruts for so long and I'm usually such a self aware person I can target what is upseting me but right now it eludes me ompletely. I have an incredible boyfriend, my best friend in the whole world but I feel like I'm making him unhappy and pushing him away. He thinks I'm mad at him and tries to help but often it doesn't do much for my mood. All the love he gives me used to help but now it seems like empty gestures even though I know its not. I just can't seem to feel it too and let it make me feel better. I can't tell if its more comfortable in my rut so I can't get out by choice or if it just is how I am feeling and I can't do anything about it. I'm terrified to lose him. When I get like this he tries to help and he is ther for me so I find myself directing the feelings at him when they really have nothing to do with him. I obsess over all these sad thoughts and am so incredibly hard on myself. This is worse with finals stress right now at school and it seems that when I take adderall lately it makes these emotional ruts and saddness so much worse. I should stop using them but I need them to do work. My insecurities and obsessions and emotional rut are just starting to eat me alive, and aside from my obsessions I've always been able to control the other two. They've never been this bad before and its scary not knowing why I feel like this or how to change it. Prozac took away all the highs and the lows so I don't want to go back on that. I'm just struggling right now with how to deal with these emotions and how to deal with this rut.