I will quickly introduce myself, then tuck myself into bed because it is hours past my bedtime.  Although when I check back in here tomorrow, I will hope to have found a friend who understands me.

I am the mother of three adult children and grandmother to a beautiful little boy.  I have a boyfriend who I don't think loves me.  He says he does, but he tries to change me daily, complains about my behavior, criticizes me (sp) and gets very, very frustrated because of my OCD.

the OCD is accompanied by depression, food issues, control issues, fear etc..  although I believe it is all one ball of wax.  I think when I get one of these factors to open up and release, it will tumble like dominos.

I am sooooo alone.  NOBODY understands me at all.  People I love are mad at me all of the time.  They either don't understand and look at me as though Im out of my mind, the call me weird (or my behavior) or like most…They get mad at me.  I have people that I love, who are supposed to love me back that won't even talk to me.  I feel so trapped by this disease, no one understands at all.  They seem to think we do this on purpose.  My boyfriend tells me to stop acting like a victim when we fight over this.  I seem to obsess mostly to do with food.  I'm afraid to eat something that I may have eaten days earlier because I was feeling stronger.   He gets really mad at me and storms out of the room.  Tells me to stop acting like my mother etc…  No support.  If they'd only realize that the bad reactions only makes the illness worse.  Mentally I suffer.  Mentally they crush me.

I hope to meet some people here that I can call my friends.  That I can share with and get understanding.  I'm so tired of crying alone, silently so that I don't get called a victim anymore. When I weep, he ignores me and continues to watch his television.  no support, no love, no sympathy.  Sad….

I will check in here regularly.  I cannot afford counseling, so I am doomed to my own affliction for now.

I look forward to talking with you.  Please I am open to any and all suggestions.

Good night all.

4 Comments
  1. thewillow 12 years ago

     *hugs you*… I am here as a friend, to talk, to listen, any time… 

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  2. notahoran 12 years ago

    See, I woke up and have four new friends.  Thanks for the morning chat Willow. 

    Thank you all for your comments, they are exactly what I've needed.

    I can't wait to talk to all of you.  I have to get ready for work.  Important company coming today.  Much to get ready.

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  3. rainingoctober 12 years ago

    You probably made a good decision seeking out something like the Tribe… we are all like in you more ways than you can imagine, even if we all have different obsessions and compulsions! Don't worry, if your family never reads about OCD or studies it, at least you have people here to understand your pain. Hang in there. You seem very well spoken. =)

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  4. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Most people who do not have some form of ocd, cannot understand the havoc it causes you.  People cannot live in a vacuum or remain frustrated by behaviors they cannot understand.  So they make up their own versions for what they observe.I think your boy friend means what he says, I also think he means well.  However I do not believe a continuous stream of criticism serves you very well. It plays havoc on your self esteem.  Enough of it may contribute to the depression that often accompanies ocd.  The people around need to read books on ocd, so they can at least understand it.  They still may not be a useful support system, but hopefully will not be part of the forces that tear you down.

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