Hi there out there,

I have been struggling off and on with alcoholism for the past 20 years. I've gone stints of 2-3 without having a drink but when I start, I really start. I'm currently trying to end a devestating pattern I've gotten myself into. In the past 2 and a half years I haven't gone more than 4 days without drinking. There are so many mornings I wake up and see all the bottles around from the night before and I'm just disgusted with myself. It's really started to affect my work and my personal life. I'm in the process of a divorce right now and the main reason is the booze. First of all, I spent a ton of money on it and second, it led to some really bad decisions like seeing escorts and she found out about it. My lying got to the point of an art form and she began to see right through it. Addicts are rediculously good liars. I've been seperated for a year and a half and 8 months ago I reunited with a girlfriend from 10 years ago. About 6 months ago I admitted my problem to her. She was hurt that I was lying to her since the start but was eventually supportive. I love this girl a lot and, like my ex wife, she's starting to see through my lies. She moved accross the country for work and we're trying to keep it alive long distance. May be a pipe dream. I feel like she has one foot out the door already.

Anyway, the booze is past the point where it feels good anymore. Now a lot of time I just need it to stop the withdrawl symptoms. The sweats and the shakes. I used to be a pretty good athlete competing in many triathlons and other events. Now I don't even think I can run a half mile without feeling like my chest will explode. I've gained about 40 pounds. I'm afraid to see any of my friends cause of the weight gain. I live by myself which is even worse. There are days I literally hole myself up in my condo and drink and watch tv all day. Really makes me feel like a loser but I'm completely unmotivated to do anything else. It's like a sinking ship. It's only a matter of time till something bad happens. I'm really trying to get my crap together. I've lied to almost everyone in my life. Only a couple people even know I have any kind of problem. I'm so far into this now that everything else in my life seems to take a back seat.

I also have a history of depression which doesn't help cause obviously I'm self medicating. Help costs money and I don't have a lot of that. I've tried quitting on my own and I always fool myself into thinking I can do it alone. Guess I'm trying to fool myself again.