I am so useless. I have no life. I hate my life and want it to change, but at the same time I don't feel like I can. I have no job, live with my family, and have no friends. I have no car, and the only places I get to go are the grocery store and sometimes church. With my mom of course. I feel like the hugest loser in the world. I must be good for nothing, because everyone that gets to know me leaves. Even God seems to reject me. I've tried to be a Christian for years. Other people who don't want faith get it. I can be on my face on the floor crying and begging God to let me know He exists and I get nothing. I just want faith so I can get old and die in peace, without wondering what will happen. I need a job but it seems like there's nothing I can do. Spending six months of the year alone while my parents are at their camper hasn't done me much good. I have become sensitive to sound. I just want silence and always have earplugs in my ears. If people are even talking too much I just want to leave. If I'm around too many people, I want to leave. The store was crowded New Years Eve and I felt angry just seeing all those people and not being to get around right. I was thinking,why are they here? I want them to go away.My anxiety has gotten worse. I find myself getting embarrassed over pretty much nothing and my whole body feels hot. I figure other people can see, and it just feels terrible. It must be subconscious because I don't really even feel embarrassed. Used to happen when I would read at church too, so I stopped doing that.I'm not sure I could handle a job with people, but everything else I can't seem to do either. I thought maybe I could do a stocking job at a store, but apparently you have to be able to carry heavy loads, and I can't. I seem pretty screwed. I don't think I can stand this much longer. I'm finding myself thrown into a rage over little things lately. And I don't want to be a jerk and lash out so I take it out on myself. I really feel like a piece of trash right now. I wish I never existed. This life is so stupid, and I don't want it. Pretty much nothing in my life is how I want it to be. But how can I change it? Getting a job is going to be a lot of work and will take a lot of motivation, which I don't have. But you'd think I'd be motivated so I can change this? I don't make sense.