So here it goes, my wife and I have known I’ve been sick for a while.  She’s tried to get me the help I need, but I never want or wasn’t ready for the help.  I just figured since I hit rock bottom there was nowhere to go but up, and trying to climb that ladder was scary!!  I also learned that when you hit rock bottom you can still sink lower, cuz in the “barrel of life” when you hit the bottom of the barrel you learn quick, that it isn’t hard grown it’s quick sand!!!  But now that I want help, and I’m going through the motions of getting that help, I’m out of the quick sand and climbing that ladder again, but now it feels like every time I make my way up, the ladder is now sinking, the whole I take one step forward but life pushes me back.  Just this time I’m not going to fall I just have to stay up, but now that I am up and I look down I see all the wrong I have done.

It all really began at the end of 2007 when I began to go to this ego trip where I thought I was hot shit and untouchable, well the job I had at the time (very good paying) I thought I deserved more than what I was getting, and I wasn’t to quite about it, and that really started the fights around me house.  I was making more money and I wanted to show it off, but I would spend too much which left my wife a lot of times with no money to pay bills.  Well my mouth at work caught up with me and got me fired, that’s when I fell and mind you it wasn’t much of a fall I had been slipping down for awhile, but I fell none the less, and I didn’t want get up.  My wife got a job while I “looked” (yeah looked at pointless stuff and porn on the enter-net).  I was so low and sinking, that when my wife would come from work to tell me how she was sexually harassed by her boss I would tell her to suck it up that it couldn’t be that bad (oh, how misery loves company), I was down so I would pull her down with me.  But to make matters worse I started to talk to my mom again, I know you’re asking how could talking to my mom make anything worst, well let’s just put it this way I love my mom but she could kill the Dalia Lama’s good karma, and on top of it all hates my wife and knows how to feed my firer telling me what I want to hear.

So this went on into the New Year of 2008 and on a cold February morning I told my wife I wasn’t happy and that I might, or I told her I did want a divorce?  Either way we talked and she packed up my stuff and told me I should go stay with my mom till I could make up my mind, we probably just need a few days apart, so I left.  She had no money, bills were close to being two months behind, and I made all out to be her fault.  I told people she kicked me out, and when she did what she could with the tax money we got back, I told people she blew on whatever, and when I got a job making more than enough money to get caught up on the rent, yeah I gave her some and told her to figure out the rest.  Here’s where I got turned upside down to the point that I actually thought I was climbing up the ladder, I would lie to people telling them how terrible she to me and just a whole bunch of bull to make me look better, and people would tell me what I wanted to here.

Then we started going through the motions of divorce and it wasn’t that bad for me, I could see my kids whenever I want, I would pay her the child support, and her and I still had a physical relationship.  Basically I could stick around coming go and I kept telling myself it was all ok.  But then we (her and the kids) got evicted and her mom was paying for her and the kids to stay in a hotel.  Well as time went on and I would spend less time with her and the kids and more time drinking my guilt it was late in 2008 when she told me that she had a new “boyfriend”.  Well that set my world all a part, I was deep in thinking that what we had was ok, it’s not till now that I realized that yeah there were times she would call me for emergencies for the kids that I would make up reasons why I couldn’t do, cuz as time went on I knew it didn’t a divorce but I didn’t want give up the fake life I was living, the fake life that I thought was making me happy.  I got to the point that I couldn’t face her or my kids for what I had done.

After awhile she wasn’t able to afford living at the hotel so when it came down to her and the kids living on the street I finally stepped up and let them move in to my mom’s.  That’s when I told her I didn’t want a divorce and I was starting to see what I was doing after some fights and talks and after we were in a situation where we had to move out of my mom’s and into a place together she took me back, and there was no divorce!!

But I was still in the deep, I never really got out of it, but the dump we moved in to didn’t help much, I got a new job making more money which helped but it wasn’t long be for the fighting began again.  And the dump became too much to handle and the slum lord of a land lord didn’t want to do much to fix it, we just moved out and in to a hotel.  Which where I was in my dank dark hole, that wasn’t good enough for me, so I when back to mommy’s telling her it was cuz in the hotel we didn’t have any room and we were in each other’s face that me staying at my mom’s would help.  Well the talk of divorce came up again and once again I started to fall deep again, I started sleeping with a co-work and was still sleeping with my wife.  The just like before I was lying to people to feel better about myself and the co-worker I was sleeping with.  But the whole time I wanted to be with my wife, but I hated myself so much that once again I feel into my fantasy world, but this time I kept a day to day journal of it.  The journal was my way to help me live my lie, for it was half true and half false.

Now at this time it was the holiday season of 2009 my wife had a new job too, I had my job and everything LOOKED ok.  But my wife who is not stupid knew what was going on or at least had very strong suspicion that I was sleeping with someone; 1. I wasn’t being too smart, I kind of left hints, and 2. My journal I kept, she found.  Now to this journal it was half true half false to the point that what I did was true but what I was feeling was a lie.  And since my wife and I had to still share a car even when this was all going on I everyday left that journal in the car, for some reason I wanted to find it.

I really knew I had to turn myself around on New Year’s Eve, well Day, when my phone went dead and my then youngest son had an asthma attack and no one could get a hold of me (before my wife found the journal after that I kept putting in place that would be easier for my wife to find).  But none the less my found the journal and then found out she was pregnant.  So after I lost that job I told the co-work that I was living a lie and I need to return to my family, that I had still been sleeping with my wife and we were going to have another child.

So we were living at a hotel, till once again me without a job ran out of money and she went to her mom’s and I went back to mind.  She kept telling me that pregnant or not she didn’t need me, but I was determine to fix myself and prove her wrong.

It was then I was pulled out of the deep thickest of my quick sand by my then unborn son when my wife went in for her ultra sound and found out he was going to have a heart problem.  That’s when my wife told me that we need to work it out if we were going to bring a sick child into the world he was going to need both of us.  I got an ok job and she moved her way up the ladder of where she works.  Now yes I was out of the quick sand but I still needed to find that ladder, my wife wanted me to get a part time job because we knew the new baby was going to have a long stay in the hospital after being born.  Now yes I did look for another part time job, but….. I could of worked harder, like I said I was above the quicksand but wasn’t on that ladder yet.  It wasn’t till after he was born and his surgery went without fail that it seemed like I found the ladder, but the stress of the new baby being sick and not home, I was still putting my wife down, getting in her face and it just wasn’t good, but it was trying to go up.  Then one weekend while in the hospital he almost died, and had to get a blood transfusion.  My wife and I talked about me giving blood cuz the baby and I were the same blood type and she was told that I could give blood and they would hold it for him, but when I asked they told me that I could give blood but there was no promising that it would even go to the baby.  Now looking back I looked at it as if they couldn’t give my blood to the baby I wasn’t going to give it, not oh well even if it doesn’t go to him it can replace what they used.

But it was a week after that she said she could no longer forgive me for what I did back in 2008, 2009, and now. I’ve been trying to tell her I was never in the right state of mind and I’m getting back there.  All she tells me is, “Oh well, I hate you.”

The thing that gets to me is when we got married she had her own issues with depression and told me that it was cuz of me that she got through it and got the help she needed, but now when I need her she doesn’t care or says she doesn’t care.  And lately the way she’s been acting I’m thinking she might be going through post partum depression with having the new baby.  I just want to fix me and my marriage but I don’t know what to do!!!