It's been a tough couple of days for me, which is why I haven't blogged. But I figure missing a blog a day once in awhile won't hurt anybody ~ in fact it may be a much needed rest for all of you friends that read them, lol.
Turns out I didn't have IBS after all. It's been a stomach virus all of this time. I've been running a low-grade fever and didn't even realize it, just knew I felt run down and unwell.
I honestly don't remember Thursday or what we did. It was that boring. I hate how days just blur into each other. I don't know if it's the meds, or the bipolar itself, or the monotony of the passing days. Either way, it sucks.
I'm having a really hard time to be honest. I find myself only looking forward to sleep. When is the next time I'll be able to? When can I escape into it again? I probably sleep 14 hours every 24 that pass. Isn't that sad? But I honestly feel like there's nothing to look forward to, nothing to give me any real drive to do anything else. Even reading a book doesn't interest me ~ just sleep. And I don't want to admit it to my psychiatrist either. I want to keep pretending that everything is really great in my own little world, and that I don't need a med change of any sort. I don't WANT a med change of any sort! Just stop with it already! The Ritalin is helping me the most of any medication I've ever taken, but there's always the sadness underneath…and God help me when I forget to take one…
Yesterday was really stressful and just bad for me emotionally. I had to go and get Zachary's school supplies, then take him to go get new clothes and shoes. Total cost of the day, including lunch at McDonald's? $200.00 . Yep, you heard me right. That made me feel awful and like a complete failure that I couldn't get it cheaper than that.
Zach and I came home and ate our lunch, and then I laid down on the couch because I was feeling pretty ill. I should know by now that I can't eat fast food ~ especially when I'm ill. But it was a treat for him for being good, so I went ahead and did it anyhow.
I slept about 2 and a 1/2 hours (again, bad mommy) and when my husband got home and woke me I was a mess. Somehow in the time between lying down and waking up depression had swallowed me whole. I laid there and stared at the ceiling, that same spot I always do ~ trying to hold back the tears. It got even harder when Aaron made the comment about the money I spent to get Zach's school stuff; "Well, there goes all our extra money this paycheck". Again, it felt like a personal jab at my abilities to make good decisions.
We had tickets to a minor league baseball game for the night that a friend gave us, but I had warned Aaron that I probably wouldn't be going. I got up off the couch and came on to the porch, and the tears started pouring down my face. He happened to come out at just the wrong moment for me to have my privacy dealing with my pain. When he saw my face he said " Honey ~ what's wrong?!" and that just made me cry harder. I just shook my head and he said "You don't know?" gently. I shook my head no again and started sobbing into my hands, ashamed of how I felt and the tears. Despite protests that I didn't want to be held (it makes me cry harder) he did it anyway and I just told him that I hated myself, that I was a waste of good breathing air, that I was a failure at whatever I tried to do and would never be able to hold a job worth having, and that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. It hurt so much to say those things but it was a relief to be able to speak them out loud. I told him I didn't want to go to the baseball game, but that at the same time I did but was afraid I'd make everyone miserable. He hugged me again and told me that he thought I should go, that it would help get my mind off of how I was feeling, and that we would have fun doing this as a family. I finally conceded and agreed that he was probably right ~ that it would do me good to go out and not just stay at the house and medicate myself into sleep. Because that's what I would've done.
So we went, and I had mixed emotions about it, but it did help me to feel better. It was a nice evening out, the game was fairly good and our team won, and we spent a lot of time teaching Zachary about the way baseball worked. He drove me up the wall with his incessant chatter (he does that when he's overstimulated) and squirming ~ but it was good to go anyhow. At one point a guy got on the field with the mascots and unfurled a big banner that said "Will You Marry Me?" to his girlfriend ~ and she said yes. It was really sweet.
The drive home was hard. I was tired, nauseated and grumpy because of how I felt, and I just wanted to pass out. By the time we got home I just wanted to go to bed. Several times on the drive I thought I was going to have to have Aaron pull over because I thought I was going to be sick.
Then there was a medium sized spider in the house and the guys were freaking out. Aaron warned me that if I didn't do something about him he would suck him up with the vacuum, so I found a glass and gently backed him into it, then let him go outside. I hate when they kill things. Even spiders. They're creepy but they're good bugs to have outside ~ they eat all the misquitoes and gnats and things that bite. And these spiders are harmless. They're just large and move fast, which is why they freak everyone in the house out. So I do the humane thing and rescue them if possible, depositing them back outside where they belong. I imagine they're as freaked out by us as we are by them!
Finally got in bed in a new nightgown (the one thing I bought for me besides socks that were on sale) that was really comfy and then Phoebe, not Hogan, climbed up on my tummy and laid down and went to sleep. It's really amazing when Phoebe does that, because she won't walk on you or sit on your lap. She just not that type of kitty. So to have her come and lay on my tummy and spend the night there is an amazing gift to me. 🙂
So the day ended on a good note, even though it felt like an awful day. We never did get to the beach, I was just too overwhelmed and sick and tired to go.
Today we have running around to do in Melbourne, so I've got to get dressed and get moving. I hope everyone has a decent Saturday. I'm still down, but feeling better than I did yesterday afternoon.