As the years have gone by I found myself not giving pieces of myself like I use too. I find that part about being human very scary. I held back alot in all my relationships, a few times I did try to be in love but at that time I was still young and didnt really have any real idea of what love was. If you asked me what love was at 15 I would probably tell you someone who walks me to class, someone who shares snacks, someone who encourages me in school, someone who encourages me in sports, someone who looks out for me, someone who talks to me everyday, someone who shares a locker with you, someone who makes you smile and laugh. Simple things that even friends could do. I want to bring up what my view was of love back then.

Because now I am 27 and I’ll be turning 28 in April. Now as I have grown older the experiences I have had. The people who have come into my life have shown me what I want my values to be and I also learned in the process that my screw ups aren’t just mine but the reflection of the people around me in my main circle. I remember how Loyalty works, I have a understanding of how I love not what love I want, I know I take on the role of caretaker in my relationships, I have been silenced to keep the peace before, I remember what it is like to be in a room with someone that makes your skin burn, chest stiff and mind clouded. I remember what it is like to watch someone make mistake after mistake without taking in consideration of how it could effect you. I learned years later a few things about my past boyfriends, I wasnt to sure if I wanted to be blind to it, numb to it or just pretend like it didn’t exist.

Now I pursued this man who I use to be in love with when I was younger. Im not sure why this man is the man that has been stuck in my mind. Im not sure where or why I fell in love with him that is all a blur to me. I do remember many memories we have had in the past but that was over a decade ago when it took place. A ten year gap and I still had these feelings for this man. I was so nervous to reach out to him because my whole life he would come around and give me surprises. Visits, gift, support and love those kind of things. But something inside me just told me to wait. To wait and see what happens. I never made a move in his direction. If you asked me why even to day I wouldnt have an answer. Maybe because I knew I would hurt him. I knew that if we were together when I was younger he would become consumed with all the anger and pitty I had for myself. At least thats the conclusion I have come to my own. I assumed that I was saving him from my own emotional rollercoaster but little did I know he would find worse.

I reached out to him on a whim. December 10, 2023 is when I messaged him on tiktok because he didnt have any other socials, To be completely honest my heart was beating out of my chest. I waited for a response and he did. The more we talked the more my heart began to feel what it use to feel, scared. Im not all that sure what that feeling is all about but I am about to find out. As we kept messaging I feel like his situation kept getting worse and worse as he talked about. From getting his girlfriend of 5 years pregnant, to how she cheated on him multiple times, how she has kids for 4 other people and how she mental abuses him, that last one I added myself because as I talk to him I could feel his fear and happiness at the same time. He also included that he is in debt, has a warrant for his arrest, DUI class and has previously got over a drug addiction. In side my head I think wow… I had that feeling for a reason but why am I still waiting for him to tell me he loves me.

I was reaching out to him under the assumption that he was doing find and the more and more we talked the more i realized that was not the case. I had reached a point in my life that I am in a very good place, I love myself, I know myself more, I have worked on myself, and I have beaten alot of the self doubt out of me, I have also been working out so my body is the best its ever been.

He told me he wasnt sure if the baby is his and that they as a couple have talked about it. im not all sure how much I can trust his word on what he plans to do. I want to help him but I have never been in any kind of situation like that. He left his girlfriend and hasnt contacted me since the day before christmas.

Ima afraid he is gonna show up on my door step, and askes me to be with him because I am exhausted. I have pulled my own head out of my ass years ago. No one woke me up and no one told me what to do. I always knew what I needed to do to make sure I was okay. And if there is anything I have learned about myself as I began to grow older its this: My biggest fear is failure and regret. I dont like doing those two things ever. However those two things are always in the combination of every situation right? I majored in Business administration because I didn’t want to be bossed around and I realize being the boos means being a leader. I lost my role of leadership some time between 2016-2020. That quality I had lost and to be completely honest that trait was one i loved so much about me. I am so close to graduation and this man is going to be coming into my life again. I am trying to remember this is the same man who was there for me when I never asked and for some reason I have this thought in my head that he can come out of this if we are together. I am afraid.

Am i enough for him to change? Will he trigger me? Will he make me struggle? Will he forgive me for me telling him my pass? Would he really change for me? Will I be able to open his eyes? Am I just kidding myself because I know people dont change until they want to change.

My rant of the day thank you