I'm really just frustrated and upset.  I have to leave in about 10 minutes or so and make my way into Minneapolis alone. 

I'm going to see the band my brother is in, and I'm only going because he made a big fucking deal about it last night when I called to finally finalize my birthday family get together in another week or so.  And of course he makes me feel shitty by telling me to 'bring people.'    I have no one to bring.  I'm going alone because I have no friends. 

I kind of understood what he meant though… bring people meant that I needed to recruit my siblings to go.  Of course I didn't even ask them because I'm learning that they don't do shit when I ask.  If they won't come because I ask them to, they surely aren't going to because he does.

I pumped myself up for the evening… I've done my hair, I put on makeup… I just was feeling like it was good. 

Then my younger sister calls a few hours ago and asks me when I'm going and maybe her and her boyfriend will carpool with me.  Of course this just gets my hopes up.  Even though I keep telling myself it's all crap and they will do the norm… call at the last minute to tell me they aren't feeling up to it I take it for what it's worth… And I was totally hoping that I would have people in the car with me, and at the bar with me so I didn't have to sit alone or heaven forbid with my sister in law.

Of course my sister just called and instead of telling her it's ok… I told her… Honestly I didn't expect her to.  And that whenever I ask them they NEVER go.  Then I all but hung up on her… I said my goodbyes in a rushed way, said I had to go, and hung up.

Of course, looking at mapquest I find the easiest route, I think, to the bar.  I call to confirm with my brother… and he has a fucking attitude with me.  I'm looking at the map, and he tells me a different route… whch I can see… and all but treats me like I'm some baby.  He asks if I even know what he's talking about.  I say yes and then tell him I"ll see him in a bit and hangup.

Fuck.  I'm just so pissed… I"m on the verge of tears because I can't believe I let them treat me like this. 

I posted to the few friends I have on MySpace who live in minnesota about the fact that I was actually going out somewhere… I tried to get people there for my brother and his band… and now… I don't even want to go.  I want to go change back in to my pajamas and go be by myself.  I'm so frustrated that the whole idea of just having a good friday night is blown.  Going out meant my father is supposed to come home instead of getting blasted… It meant I wouldn't have to go pick him up.  It meant that I was at least trying to get out and be around people who weren't just my family.

Why the fuck do I even hope for these things to go alright? 

I'm so tired… I am not sure what to do.  I can't make up my mind if I should go to the concert… or if I should find a movie and just go out somewhere by myself.

I better go… I have to make a decision. 

Thanks for listening… or reading… or whatever.


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